‘Honestly, I’m like a boa constrictor. I just go to the buffet and unhinge my jaws. But instead of lying around digesting for, oh, say, six months or so, I simply go and consume another meal just like it three hours later. It’s heaven!’

I’d promised to meet Amber at the sushi bar later and accompany her to watch the ballroom dancing, followed by a martini ice slide party, whatever the hell that was. ‘It’s the first time in forever that I’m doing things just for me!’ she’d enthused. ‘And, look at this.’ She’d shown me her phone. ‘I’ve only Skyped the kids twice!’

All of these interesting developments would be discussed in detail when we three met up for our daily cackle over a cocktail. So, I really had no time to waste on this irritating human haemorrhoid.

I wanted to strut out of his office but could only manage a half-limp, half-lope. A groin strain, a swollen labia, a red-hot arse, rope burn and a jellyfish sting – surely that had to be it; there was no way the fickle fairy of fate could deliver any more body blows with that bloody wand of hers. Because if I was forced to see this up-himself, pissant medic just one more time I’d be tempted to rearrange his smirking facial features with his own scalpel, while explaining to him, with caustic condescension, that apparently dying can also be seriously damaging to your health.

‘By the way, thanks, Ryan,’ he called out after me, with a chuckle. ‘I can always count on you to brighten my day.’

17

By the time our ship had moored in Mare, New Caledonia, we girls were getting used to paradise.

‘Right,’ Emerald announced as the tender came to clamorous life and zoomed towards shore. ‘Time to explore the beach in search of exotic creatures.’

Amber displayed all the eagerness of a limpet at her veterinary sister’s suggestion. ‘I think we’ve seen quite enough odd creatures aboard HMAS Toy Boy.’

‘Yes, Em, you haven’t exactly been exercising berth control,’ I punned.

‘Oh, ha-ha.’ Emerald rolled her eyes good-naturedly. ‘I’m talking about the Pacific leaping blenny. Or Alticus arnoldorum, if you want to be posh about it. It’s a unique fish that lives on land and can leap huge distances. You simply must come with me to see it.’

‘Ugh, no thanks. Ruby and I prefer our fish in the past tense – on a plate. We’ll probably eat one of your leaping blenny’s on our food tour of the local market, won’t we, Rubes?’

‘A food tour? You can’t be serious. I can’t believe you still have room to eat anything after all the food we’ve consumed on board. Ruby’s definitely coming with me,’ Emerald said. ‘Aren’t you, Rubes?’