The doctor sighed, despondently. ‘Sadly, I kid you not. It’s all about quantity, not quality. The hottie-hottie-dumb-dumbs are keeping score. Apparently conquests are rated by looks, age and performance. Women are counted and cruelly catalogued, and then the info is shared on WhatsApp. I’m new here, so I’m still working out who’s who in the zoo. But I do know that those “cubs” get together and tell each other every sordid detail. In their sleazy terms, a woman can be a “reheat” or a “freshie”. The player with the lowest score has to buy everyone’s drinks on the last night of the cruise.’

I blushed right down to the roots of my hair. Was that what last night had been about? Was I nothing more than a notch on a jock’s jockstrap? Or, had this doctor just graduated from med school with a specialisation in sarcasm and contempt? Not all young men were like those he was describing. I thought once more of my own goofy, gorgeous son and my nephews, and their mates, who were all laconic charm and devil-may-care derring-do. There must be some boys on board of a similar, likeable ilk? But, then again, my son and nephews and their mates would never come on a cougar cruise.

‘You know this for sure? Or is it just something you think? If you’ll pardon the exaggeration.’ I was really getting better at this ballsy, take-no-prisoners routine.

The dyspeptic doctor laced his hands, put them behind his head and rocked back nonchalantly in his chair. ‘I don’t worry about what other people think. After all, they don’t do it very often,’ he said, gesturing in the general direction of my track-suited nether regions. ‘Obviously. And no, I’m not making it up. I’ve overheard the Whaling conversations with my own ears, unfortunately.’

My journalistic instinct kicked in. If I were interviewing this pessimistic smart-arse, what would I ask? ‘On second thoughts, what I diagnose you with, Doctor . . .?’

‘Quinn.’

‘Doctor Quinn, is deep insecurity. Why else would a man of your age hide behind this pathetically barbed banter?’

‘I could ask a woman of your age exactly the same thing.’ He fiddled for a moment with the sheaf of papers on the desk before him and allowed the remoteness to creep back into his face. ‘In my case, I hide behind barbed banter because saying to your face that you’re a bloody idiot is considered rude in most social circles.’

‘You know, thanks for the cure. If laughter really is the best medicine, I’ll be better in no time, because you are a complete joke.’

‘If you have a problem with me, please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and shove it up the captain’s arse.’