I craned over my shoulder to watch the huge cruise ship veer right at Watsons Bay on its journey out of Sydney Harbour. My ship had sailed. Panic constricted my trachea for longer than I feared healthy in a human being. The low, thick sky bulged with grey dampness. Seawater hit the bow, hissing like a snake. By the time the next wave had reared up and collapsed in a spatter of spray, I could feel tears starting to well. The sea had turned snot-green and choppy. The wind was carving huge escarpments out of the water before my eyes. A massive wave, like a malicious grin, loomed up before us, its white fangs biting into our flimsy-seeming boat.

There’d been storm warnings on the radio, but no mention of the emotional gale that had blown me off course. No mood meteorologist had urgently interrupted the scheduled programming to forecast the psychological cyclone that was approaching.

I was suddenly crying so passionately that it took me a while to realise that the sky was weeping with me. The torrential summer rain came in icy sheets across the harbour, stinging my skin.

I took shelter in the tiny cabin, where I curled into a ball and sank down, deep in thought, which, I had to admit, had been totally unfamiliar territory of late.

Why should Brody believe a woman who could lie about having cancer? Why had I lied and deceived the people I loved? Maybe I am like my manipulative and scheming mother, I thought with dread. If only I could talk to someone who understood me . . . But the only people who did were my sisters, and they were rightly furious with me.

As the boat laboured its way back to shore in the storm, I breathed in shallow gasps. I wondered if this was how a fish felt, lying on the bottom of a bucket, mouth opening and closing, drowning in air.

27

December 1st

Dear friends and family,

I’m sorry this is a group email, but I just wanted to let you all know that the cancer scare was a misdiagnosis. This is a mixed blessing, considering that most of you now want to kill me. I can only apologise for my insane behaviour at my birthday bash. Clearly I was a) deranged with worry and shock, and b) drunk.