My sisters’ eyes were bare and round as full moons.

‘I really, really did want to tell you that I didn’t have cancer. But somehow it was so good to be dying that I kinda started to wish that I really was!’ I said, tap dancing in quicksand.

‘Don’t you worry about that, Ruby, because I am going to kill you,’ Emerald seethed.

‘I’m sorry, okay? Don’t be angry with me.’ My lips trembled. ‘I just didn’t want to ruin our holiday, which is why I decided that the best time to tell you was just as soon we got back to port. Which I’m doing now, right?’ I added, desperately.

‘Only because we forced you to confess! I cannot believe you lied to us! And lied, and lied, and lied . . .’ Amber said shrilly.

‘I’ve written you an explanatory email, begging your forgiveness. Here!’ I opened the email on my phone. ‘I’ve just sent it to you both.’

But it was too little, too late. Both sisters glowered at me, with hands on their hips.

‘This whole trip was a bloody lie, just like your stupid infatuation is,’ Emerald declared. ‘We don’t need a doctor to make a goddamned diagnosis, Ruby. It’s increasingly clear that your midlife crisis has started without you.’

‘I mean, the scheming, the manipulation, the emotional blackmail . . . Do you know who you remind me of? Our mother,’ Amber stated, coldly.

‘I’m sorry. Truly. I just didn’t want our holiday headline to be “Enjoy Your Trip to Paradise – or Possibly Hades”.’

‘I can’t believe you would put us through all this worry and anxiety and pain,’ Emerald smouldered, ‘and then joke about it!’

‘It didn’t look as though you were in that much pain as you shagged your way through every toy boy on board,’ I retaliated. ‘The ship’s fire officer was about to close down your cabin due to overcrowding. And as for you, Amber. Don’t judge me about my marriage. You’re supposed to be so blissfully wed, but in truth you’d rather have a plane jettison its chemical toilet on your head than get down and dirty with your husband.’

‘Marriage is not a happy experience for any wife,’ Amber prickled. ‘But we all just get on with it.’

‘Yes,’ Emerald echoed. ‘Just go to Bunnings, buy yourself some wood and some nails and then build a bridge and get over it.’