Why? Because he’s handsome, because we’ve been through things that make me feel like I’ve known him forever, because he’s the most stable thing in my life right now. Because I want something good for once. Because the idea of leaving him terrifies me so much more than it ever did to leave Theo, and that has to mean something, right?

“Because I want to,” I say.

Nick’s throat bobs. “I don’t think—”

“And I know it wouldn’t work because, look at me, right? And you don’t like being touched. I respect that. Kissing is really weird if you think about it too hard. I just thought you should know how I feel before all this happens. In case I don’t get to see you again.”

He doesn’t meet my eyes.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

“I made it weird,” I say. “Didn’t I?”

“I don’t like kissing,” Nick says.

I’m going at this from the wrong angle. He’s focusing on the kissing, not everything around it. Not what I actually need to say. “Nick, I’m using kissing you as shorthand. For the fact that I like you.”

“Oh,” Nick says. And then, “Oh.” And then, “I don’t know why you—” and a few other half-hearted, aborted protests that make an ache in my chest grow heavier and heavier before finally he lands on, “I don’t know how this works.”

I shake my head. “It’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No.” He takes a half step away and taps the back of his neck with his palm like he’s trying to knock his thoughts loose. He says, “I don’t know how to tell if I like someone. I don’t know how it works, and I don’t want to be wrong.” He says, “I don’t know why you would like me, I don’t understand.” He says, “There are no rules for this. It scares me.”

I never thought Nick could be scared of anything. “Really?”

“I don’t want to be wrong. People get hurt when I’m wrong.”

“Nick, that’s not—”

“Salvador nearly died because of me,” Nick says. “Because I made a mistake. Because I was wrong about something.” I see the scars again—up and down xyr face, warping skin, painful—and the hurt in Nick’s voice is enough to answer every question I’ve ever had about xe’s old wounds. “So don’t. Don’t say that.”

I swallow, hard. “I’m tough enough to handle it. I swear.”

“But what if I lose you?”