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Chapters (35)
  1. A NineStar Press Publication
  2. Heartbeat
  3. Table of Contents
  4. Dedication
  5. Chapter One
  6. Chapter Two
  7. Chapter Three
  8. Chapter Four
  9. Chapter Five
  10. Chapter Six
  11. Chapter Seven
  12. Chapter Eight
  13. Chapter Nine
  14. Chapter Ten
  15. Chapter Eleven
  16. Chapter Twelve
  17. Chapter Thirteen
  18. Chapter Fourteen
  19. Chapter Fifteen
  20. Chapter Sixteen
  21. Chapter Seventeen
  22. Chapter Eighteen
  23. Chapter Nineteen
  24. Chapter Twenty
  25. Chapter Twenty-One
  26. Chapter Twenty-Two
  27. Chapter Twenty-Three
  28. Chapter Twenty-Four
  29. Chapter Twenty-Five
  30. Chapter Twenty-Six
  31. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  32. Epilogue
  33. Acknowledgements
  34. About Nicholas Brown
  35. Connect with NineStar Press

“Good memories,” I said, looking at him. “Like this. I want more of this.”

“Well, that I can guarantee, babe,” he said warmly.

I leaned forward slowly, as though it was our first kiss, letting the tip of our noses touch before tilting my head and pressing my lips on his. Then, I lost track of time, mainly because my Super 8 was kept turned off for the remainder of our time there.

We started going to the lake a lot, after that. Sometimes, when Ethan was asleep, I’d go outside and watch the water for the longest time. I’d replay the night I lost Liam in my head with a clarity that seemed capable of having it all manifest itself in front of my eyes.

But I didn’t let it.

I thought about what it would be like, having Liam with me still, what he’d have thought of me, of this version of myself I was constantly working on. There was so much I wanted him to know, so much I wanted to tell him about and to have him share. I was now the same age as him when he died, and to imagine being older than my big brother was the oddest thought to entertain.

I still got sad; I didn’t think the pain would ever go away. That was okay though. It would be worse not to miss him. I also didn’t think my brain would ever work the way I wanted it to. I’d probably always need some sort of help whenever things got a little too heartbreaking. That was okay too.

When it got too bad, I’d just try to think of all the good that had happened since, and I guessed I was lucky because there were a few memories I could pick and choose from. If that didn’t work, I’d focus on Ethan—it usually made it easier for me to breathe again.

Sometimes I feared I wouldn’t always be this lucky. That I might not have him for as long as I wanted. But the thing was, it didn’t matter if we got a year, five, or twenty—it would never be enough, and it would always seem like minutes. So I would try to take in every single one of our minutes. And hoped they’d multiply.

Acknowledgements

Acknowledgements

To my lovely five, all I can ever say is thank you, and it still isn’t enough.

About Nicholas Brown

About Nicholas Brown