Sometimes, if I concentrated hard enough, I could take in a moment and catalog it, making sure that memory got filed somewhere safe from the workings of time or fate. This was one of those memories, one of those moments. Whatever anxiety I had in the merging of what sometimes felt like two, often three different worlds, turned out to be misguided. It was a good night, one in which I was capable of prolonging whatever normalcy I was growing used to experiencing whenever I was in his company, while being able to extend its reach to those in my life I’d for so long felt disconnected from, one way or another.

It felt exquisite, having this lovely night of worlds colliding.

The only thing I worried about was this nagging feeling I couldn’t really escape from. It resembled that little voice inside my head whenever things seemed to be going too well, reminding me the universe is made of balance and therefore no true positive could ever be achieved without a negative being put into effect. That voice was the only part of that night that felt less than perfect. But the rest? As I stood in the living room, watching Ethan laughing as he talked to my brother and my friends—old and new—I couldn’t help but wonder if he knew.

Could he tell I loved him?

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

Something Other Than Pain

The only sound I could hear was that of my own breathing as I watched the water rippling outwards and tried to stay afloat. The thickest fog surrounded me, which made it impossible to discern exactly where I was. I turned around, trying to figure out which direction to swim toward, but there was no point. I could barely see one foot ahead, let alone the shore. My face was freezing, yet the water wasn’t cold at all. It was warm, inviting even. I thought about calling out; I thought about going under, but somehow, I knew I had to stay put. After what seemed like hours, something grabbed me by the ankle and tried to pull me down. As I fought against it, desperately flapping my arms and kicking my legs, Liam’s voice echoed from above. A ghastly shriek that felt like it would penetrate my skin. “Tommy! TOMMY!”

I opened my eyes and saw Ethan moving his lips. It took a few seconds before I could hear his voice or realize he had his hands on my forearms, holding them as I pressed my hands against my ears as hard as I could.

“Tom!” he pleaded. “You’re all right. You’re all right, Tom!”

It appeared there was very little I could control at that moment. I couldn’t speak nor stop my entire body from shaking.

“Are you awake?” he asked. “Babe?”

I nodded, still able to feel the water on my skin. “S-sorry.”