Chapter Twenty-Six

The Pain You Choose

I remembered standing by the water, watching as the speedboat slowly came into view, growing larger by the second. I remembered how the sheriff had his head down when he walked up to where we were standing, how he took his hat off and sighed deeply before looking up and meeting my gaze. I remembered how Mom collapsed to the ground along with Emma when they heard the news. How Dad tried to fit them both in his arms as all color had gone from his face. I remembered Summer, standing next to them, holding Noah, unable to breathe. How when she turned to me and caught my eyes, her expression changed, for some reason, and she started looking scared. I kept wondering why none of the deputies were doing anything. They were just standing there, watching as my family disappeared—I was so disgusted by it.

I let the blanket that was around me fall to the ground as I made my way to the speedboat. Boarding it, I found Liam on the floor, covered by a black tarp. I sat on my heels and gently removed it, exposing him. He was so pale. His hair was glued to his forehead, and there were leaves and small branches stuck to it as well as to his skin. So I started carefully removing them, one by one. After I was done, I took his hand in mine and squeezed as hard as I could—it was the only attempt I made to try to wake him up. I sat with him until they took him away. I didn’t really know how long that took.

It was still one of my strongest memories. The smell of the dirt, the different shades of green, how yellow and brown the leaves I had removed from his skin were, the lines on the faces of my family as they stood powerless behind me. Everything about that morning was so clear—too clear.

I’d always been able to do it, too—to recall instances and events in extreme detail. It was something I’d been thinking about a lot, lately. The last time I saw him, that last touch. At his funeral, I didn’t dare get too close, and I’d always found it peculiar how everyone in my family was so ready to be next to him then, while he was in a suit, lying in white satin—looking nothing like himself—yet I’d been the only one with him when he was brought up to the surface.