’Cause I tried to jump that girl, no other man to do it,

Would’a done her a favour, made a whole population,

An island nation, all Hag-Seeds!

So he pinch me black and he pinch me blue,

I got to do the work while he lies around snorin’,

Or talkin’ his magic, he is so borin’,

I curse him back but he pinch me more,

I one big cramp, I am so sore,

But I’m Hag-Seed!

So if I get the chance I’ll rip up his book,

Break his magic staff, that would be a laugh,

Bash in his brains, pay him back for my pains,

Make that girl be my Hag-Seed queen,

No matter how she scream,

The more she scream, she askin’ for it,

Down on her knees, I’ll make her adore it,

No matter how she whine, I’ll hump her blind,

’Cause I’m Hag-Seed!

Just keep it in mind:

I’m Hag-Seed!

LEGGS MAKES HIS way up to the front of the room, red in the face and more freckled than ever. He’s giving it his best shot, taking a dominant stance, one leg forward, foot angled out, then a tilt of the pelvis and the other leg swinging as if welded at the knee. He surveys the assembled cast and crew, scowling his Caliban scowl. Then he slowly rolls up his sleeves.

Good theatre, thinks Felix. He’s making them wait.

‘Team Hag-Seed reporting here, sir,’ he says to Felix. The mode is quasi-military but at the same time subtly mocking.

‘Here’s the real clear truth,’ he begins. ‘Hag-Seed, I mean Caliban – nobody’s on his team. Even his so-called friends and allies, those two drunk assholes – they’re not loyal to him, they make fun of him and call him names, they’re out to make a buck off him. So inside the play, he don’t have a team. His only team he ever had is dead, which was his mother, who other people called a witch. But she must’ve loved him enough to at least not drown him like a kitten. She did the bare essentials, she kept him alive. You gotta hand it to her, considering. She was all alone on the island, birthing the baby and so forth.

‘she maybe had her failings, but she did what she could for him. She was tough.’

Nods from the audience: tough though fallible mothers are being remembered.

‘Then she died and Caliban grew up on his own. He was welcoming to Prospero at first, but now Prospero’s on his back 24/7, and Ariel’s not gonna help him out either, though they’re both slaves in a manner of speaking. They’re both kept in line by threats of torture; only difference is, Ariel sucks up and Caliban holds out, so it’s only Caliban who gets the pinches and cramps.