‘But I’m glad to say I have a team helping me with this report, and that is the Hag-Seed backup group and costume designers for the numbers we did, namely PPod, TimEEz, VaMoose, and Red Coyote. You guys were great, I couldn’t of done it without you, we really scored, and this will always be a great memory in my life.’ He pauses. Is it a studied pause or is he choking up? I’ve taught him too well, thinks Felix, if even I can’t tell the difference.

‘So this is our report,’ says Leggs. ‘Report of Team Hag-Seed. What happens to Caliban after it’s over? At the end of the play he’s left dangling, so we don’t really know. He’s going to be a good servant to Prospero, or what?

‘Okay, we thought of various ways it could of gone. First, Caliban’s left on the island and the rest of them sail away. He gets the island and he’s the king of it, like he wanted, but there’s nobody else on it any more, so what’s the point? You can’t be a king unless you’re the king of somebody else, right?’

Nods from the cast. They’re listening intently: they really care what happens to Caliban.

‘Okay, so we tossed out that one. Next – that’s number two – he sails on the ship for Naples with the rest of them. Prospero gets killed and Miranda gets raped, like in what Team Antonio said – sorry, Anne-Marie, but in real life there wouldn’t be any goddesses, so that’s what would happen – only she’s not raped by Hag-Seed. It’s only by Antonio, because he’s so evil, like he said. After that he kills her because he wants to be the Duke and he can’t have any rivals, so she has to go, it makes sense. Caliban’s pissed off by that, but he can’t do nothing because by this time Stephano and Trinculo have him chained him up in the bottom of the ship.

‘When they get to Naples, they put him on show for money, just like they said they would. They tell folks he’s a savage from the jungle, a part-fish monster, and also he eats people. Everyone throws things at him like a gorilla in a cage, and they call him shit names, like Prospero and Miranda and Stephano and Trinculo did, and they poke him with sticks to make him snarl and curse, and they laugh at him. Plus they feed him crap food. So after a while of this he gets a bunch of diseases – he’s never been vaccinated, right? – and one day he comes out in spots and a fever, and then he flops over and dies.’

Silence in the room. It’s all too plausible.