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Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. CHAPTER ONE
  4. CHAPTER TWO
  5. CHAPTER THREE
  6. CHAPTER FOUR
  7. CHAPTER FIVE
  8. CHAPTER SIX
  9. CHAPTER SEVEN
  10. CHAPTER EIGHT
  11. CHAPTER NINE
  12. CHAPTER TEN
  13. CHAPTER ELEVEN
  14. CHAPTER TWELVE
  15. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  16. CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  17. CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  18. CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  19. CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  20. CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  21. CHAPTER NINETEEN
  22. CHAPTER TWENTY
  23. CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
  24. CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
  25. CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  26. CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  27. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  28. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  29. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
  30. CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
  31. CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
  32. CHAPTER THIRTY
  33. CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
  34. CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
  35. CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
  36. CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
  37. CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
  38. CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
  39. CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
  40. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
  41. CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
  42. CHAPTER FORTY
  43. CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
  44. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
  45. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
  46. CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
  47. CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
  48. CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
  49. CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
  50. CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
  51. Acknowledgments
  52. Discover More
  53. extras
  54. meet the author
  55. interview
  56. A Preview of "A Big Ship at the Edge of the Universe"
  57. A Preview of "Adrift"

“Ah. Gaia.” Some of her confusion clears up. “So that’s why you’re”—she fumbles for a word—“abstinent?”

They always ask about that.

“I’m not. It’s just different for me.”

It’s clear she doesn’t understand, but this is an issue I’m not eager to provide more explanation about. I’ve tried it with Titans, many times, but our attitudes are too deeply ingrained, and too different. Maybe it is the years in Gaia’s conservative culture affecting me more than I like to think. Or maybe it was one too many lectures from Momma about avoiding unplanned children on any of the planets. With those concerns, she was always more strict with Pol and I than with our sisters, even after she gave us all birth control shots from Gaia, where they’re mandatory.

Either way, I’ve never been able to make myself comfortable with Titans’ extraordinarily casual attitude toward sex. I don’t judge them for their own dalliances—though constantly being woken up in the middle of the night drove me to demand having my own room, despite it being against Titan custom—but the lifestyle doesn’t suit me.

I tried during basic training, when my loneliness was a raw wound I was constantly trying to sew shut. It didn’t work. And here, where I’m in charge of these people, tasked with ordering them to fight and die as I see fit, attachment is too dangerous. I know I wouldn’t be able to be objective. If only knowing was enough to keep my heart from wanting.

The conversation ends as we travel higher in the stairwell, drawing close enough to the cafeteria that the voices of my team bounce off the walls around us. The sound of their laughter and easy chatter makes my guilt heavier with every step. Ivennie is still barely more than a stranger, but the others have been with me for a long time. Secrets lead to jealousy… and I haven’t told them of the upcoming end to my service, or the message I sent to my family, or the possibility this could be my last mission. Though I’ve never been able to view them as my kin, my team has always seen me as a part of their family. No matter what choice I make, I’ll be leaving someone behind.

CHAPTER THREE

A Warm Reception

Scorpia