Until we found ourselves, once again, on opposite sides of the sofa and opposite sides of the relationship spectrum. Maybe that was why I’d been drawn to Michael – to that promise of passion and desire. To someone who listened to me intently, who looked at me as if I were the most fascinating creature who ever walked the planet. When he kissed me I felt alive. My body tingled and I’d been so completely numb for such a long time that I welcomed it. Even though I knew it was dangerous.

There was a big part of me that didn’t care about the danger. Life was for living and who knew what was ahead of me, anyway? An early death like my mother’s? Years of battling cancer to leave the world in my sixties? That didn’t seem so far away now that I was in my forties and the years seemed to speed by at an increasing pace.

And then there was Clare – gone, too. All those years she’d wasted her energy on trying to save her marriage with James, all the times she’d let him hurt her. If she’d known she only had a few years left, would she have tried so hard? When he didn’t make her happy anyway. When he didn’t make her feel alive.

But then, Michael had the power to hurt me, too. He’d told me he’d never felt this way about anyone before and then, almost in the next breath, he’d told me we needed to cool things. The same old ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ trope jilted lovers have been listening to for so long. He wanted to give me space to grieve. To be there for my family. Or maybe he’d just got what he wanted. The sex we’d had wasn’t worth the drama my life had become.

Looking around the living room – Paul still on his mobile, Beth, too – I wondered when they’d be there for me. I needed someone to be there for me, to care about how I was feeling.

I could feel something rise up inside me. I needed to get out of this house.

‘I think I’ll go for a run,’ I said.

Two heads looked up at me simultaneously.

‘You can’t do that!’ Beth cried.

‘I don’t think that’s a sensible idea,’ Paul said.

‘Why not? I need to get out and clear my head and burn off some of this nervous energy. It’s still light. A few kilometres and I’ll feel better for it.’

‘But, Mum, it’s not safe,’ Beth said, shuffling closer to me, wrapping her arms around my waist.