I kiss Ben harder, trying to force some sort of reaction. Any sort of reaction. All I feel is the pressure as Ben responds to my urgency. It’s eliciting the amount of passion that pressing my lips against the edge of a glass would. Worse is the nausea swirling in my stomach and crawling up my throat. It tastes like betrayal. Like I’m being unfaithful to a man who doesn’t want my loyalty.

I lied earlier. When I said it would be fine if you—when I acted like I wouldn’t care if you’d been with another guy. I would care.

Gray’s voice echoes in my mind, reminding me of words I unintentionally memorized and moments I’m trying to forget.

Can’t think of anything that would piss me off more, actually.

I can’t shut my brain off, no matter how hard I try. Can’t do this. Having sex with Ben won’t change how I feel about Gray.

I stiffen before I pull away and flop onto my back, panting. It feels hot in here—suffocating. With guilt and with annoyance over that guilt. I don’t owe Gray Phillips a damn thing. I should take back everything I’ve ever given him.

He has it all anyway. My fidelity. My trust. My body. My love.

“I’m sorry,” I say to the ceiling.

This won’t be progressing any further, and I can tell Ben realizes it. I don’t owe him anything, but I definitely led him on. Led him here.

Ben shifts beside me, accepting the literal distance I put between us. “Don’t apologize, Evie.”

“I know I made it seem like—”

“Evie. It’s fine. Really.”

We lie in silence. I’m also sweating. “I swear, it’s me, not you.”

“You mean, it’s him. Gray, right? The guy Rose asks about?”

His name douses me like cold water. It’s unexpected, leaving me no time to school my reaction—my surprise—at hearing that one syllable in a dark bedroom, spoken by a guy I was just kissing. On the plus side, the resulting chill means I’m no longer overheating. On the downside, Ben catches my wince.

“You’re in love with him.”

My first instinct is to shrug like that observation means nothing to me. But it’s difficult to shrug while lying down, and Ben is staring at the ceiling the same way I am, so he likely wouldn’t even see it.

“Probably.” I suck my bottom lip between my teeth.

Gray and love aren’t words I’ve used in the same sentence before outside my own head. I don’t know how else to describe everything I felt when we were together, though. Everything I feel when he’s gone.

“I thought I was making progress. I thought I could do this…so that’s a minor setback.”

Ben snorts a laugh.

“Sorry.”