“Don’t apologize, Evie. I should have made a better first impression at the bar.”

It takes me a few seconds to figure out what he’s talking about. “Oh. That’s not when I met him. He, uh, grew up next door to me. I’ve known him since I was five.”

Ben whistles. “Wow. When did you start having feelings for him?”

“The day he moved in.”

“Nothing ever happened between you two until now?”

“I was interested. He wasn’t.” My cheeks burn at the confession. “We don’t need to talk about this. I’m sure you don’t—”

“We’re friends, Evie.”

“You kiss all your friends?” I tease.

Ben turns his head to smirk at me. “Only the ones in love with another man.”

I let out some unattractive mixture of a snort and a scoff. “Right.”

We’re both quiet again. I should leave, but I kind of like lying here in the dark with him. His curtains are drawn, probably because he sleeps during plenty of daylight hours, like me. The guilt and anxiety have dissipated. I feel empty again. It’s nice not to be alone when you feel empty.

“Did you tell him? How you feel?”

“No,” I admit.

Ben hums a disapproval.

“That would have been…a bad idea. We agreed it was just sex.” I can only imagine how our last conversation would have gone if I’d preluded my list question with those three words. Pity probably would have permeated the long pause. I’m sure Gray has an accurate sense of how I feel about him. It’s simmered in the subtext of every encounter we’ve ever had. I wouldn’t have asked him if he loved me if I didn’t love him. That’s different from outright saying it, though.

“And you didn’t think it might end poorly? Sleeping with a guy you’ve had feelings for since you were five?” There’s no judgment in Ben’s question, just naked curiosity. Maybe a hint of amusement too. As far as failed hook up partners go, I chose well.

“I figured it would, actually. I just…wanted him more than I cared about the consequences.”

“And he didn’t?”

I sigh. “I have no idea. I asked how he felt the last time he called, and he hasn’t called since. It’s been two weeks.”

“Maybe you should call him,” Ben suggests.

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can. From what I’ve seen, you’re fearless.”

I only manage to tamp down the snort because I can tell he’s being genuine and sweet. When it comes to Gray, I’m mostly a complete coward. “I mean, I literally can’t. I have no idea how to reach him while he’s deployed. He calls me from a private number.”

“Oh. What if you contacted the base? They must have some way to reach him?”