When we climb back into his car, I suggest we eat back at his place. The insinuation hangs between us in the chilled air inside the car as he agrees and starts driving in the opposite direction from my house. I finish my doughnut on the short drive, mostly as a way to keep my hands and mouth occupied. Without meaning to, my mind wanders to a different, yet similar, trip. In a Subaru, not a Volvo. Feeling equally nervous.

Ben lives in a nice complex just outside of downtown. It’s comprised of individual townhouses, so it doesn’t feel like you’re in the middle of a city, just a small community like at the base I visited with Gray.

I smile when I see the bowls set out on his front porch. Ben does too.

“Darn cat won’t leave me alone.”

“Not feeding it would probably help,” I point out.

He chuckles. “Yeah. It probably would.”

I follow Ben into his kitchen, taking in the shiny appliances and new furniture. The decorating makes me feel like I’m in a furniture showroom. There’s nothing wrong with it; it’s just all perfectly matched, coordinated in dark wood and shades of green.

“Nice place.”

“Thanks. My mom picked all the furniture out.” Ben makes a face, like the matching set might not have been his first choice either.

“You’re close with her?”

“Very. My dad passed away a few years ago. It was tough when I was out on the West Coast, but my brother lives close by her. He stayed in Ohio for college, and since.”

“That’s nice.” I’m having trouble focusing on the polite conversation. Nerves are percolating in my stomach and prickling at my skin.

I feel like a virgin again. This all feels new. Different. Strange.

An awkward silence falls, and I channel my nervous energy into action before it can turn into babbling or fidgeting instead. I walk right up to Ben and kiss him. He wasn’t expecting it—at all. He stumbles back a step before resting his hands on my waist and steadying us both. As the surprise fades, he starts to kiss me back. His tongue teases the seam of my lips. I part them. He tastes like coffee and sugar. I probably do too.

We start to move. I keep my eyes closed, trying to shut off my brain and just relax into the moment. Something soft hits the backs of my legs. A bed. I’m horizontal now, pressed against a downy comforter that smells freshly washed.