I am so nervous. I almost want to stay here, so I don’t have to face you. I only scratched at the edges of the Ratel. I’m afraid to learn your full story. It’s going to be painful to listen to it. But I will.

The guard just came and told me it’s time to go. I asked him for five more minutes. Five more minutes of scribbling crazily, the muscles in my hands cramping, as I try to figure out how to end this.

I guess I’ll be trite—it’s not like what I’ve written is good. Maybe I’ll get you to help me write it into something properly resembling a story, if you’re still speaking to me after all of this.

So this isn’t an end but a beginning. This morning, I thought I was going to be frozen solid and put in a freezer with other frozen humans. Now, I find out I have my whole life ahead of me again. You are the one that brought down Mana-ma and broke up the Ratel. Maybe Adam’s story can be told, along with all the other men and women whose memories were stolen. I heard Mia was killed, and I’m sure it was another one of Ensi’s poor creations. Changing faces like kaleidoscopes.

Maybe we can see our parents for the first time in a decade. Go back to the Hearth, walk through the forest. Listen to the birds. We could swim in the lake for the first time.

I don’t think we’ll really change anything in the long run. But I’ve always been pessimistic. You’ve been the one with all the hope.

So, this is my new chance. My clean slate. All thanks to you. As soon as I finish this, I’ll tuck my notebook into my pocket, give my lipstick a touch-up, walk out of this shithole and look you right in the eye.

33. Taema

THIRTY-THREE

TAEMA

I’m too afraid to go into the building where Tila’s being held, so I wait outside. It’s quiet, this time of day. People mill to and fro, heading to the MUNI or their offices and homes. They don’t spare me a second glance. They don’t know what I did and what I helped prevent, or at least delay. I hope they never find out.

The SFPD will send someone to the Hearth, to see how they’re faring. They received an emergency phone call from our old cult. Mana-ma was found dead the next morning, tangled in her bed sheets, electrodes attached to her head. I’ve asked if they can send Nazarin, and if I (and maybe Tila) can go with him. We’re not banned from the Hearth anymore, and I want to see my parents. I need to go back. Both of us do.