I catch it, holding the gun like it’s a snake that will bite me. I’ve had training through brainloads, and done a gun simulation, but I’ve not touched a real one. I wonder whether Tila is experienced with guns. Two weeks ago I would have sworn to anyone that she’d never even touched one. Not now.

Ensi gives me a last look and shakes his head before he pulls the bulletproof hood up, until every part of him is protected and obscured by the Kalar.

I want to ask what’s going on, but he’s already gone.

I stay there for roughly half a minute, listening to screams and gunshots, before I realize that standing there and doing nothing is not an option. I go to the cabinet, my body confused by the whiplash of fear, arousal, and fear again.

There are another few bulletproof jumpsuits hidden in the cupboard, so I shimmy out of my silver outfit and trade it for a black Kalar, pulling it up over my face. I can see through it just fine, and I feel safer.

Like earlier when I went down the corridor to the Test, I have the sensation that I’m just a floating head attached to my body. That this is not me or my life that I’m living, but someone else’s. Not Tila—more like, this is all a dream or a movie, and I’ll wake up, or the credits will roll.

But they won’t. This is me. I’m dressed in a Kalar suit. I’ve just kissed the leader of the Ratel. I’ve committed criminal acts, thinking they were real. It was all me. But I’m also not the same girl that set out curry on the table, waiting for her sister to come home from work so she could tell her about that exciting job in China. I don’t know who I am anymore.

And I have no time to figure that out.

I grab my gun and turn it over, trying to figure out how it works. I press the button and it turns on, humming slightly. It’s not a laser and has actual bullets, but it’s more complicated than the hunting guns we had at Mana’s Hearth.

I want to test a shot but the room is too pretty to destroy. I have to hope my virtual training is enough.

Before I leave the room, I remember Ensi’s jacket. I duck down and take out the notebook. The Kalar suit will hide my fingerprints. I unzip the suit enough to free my face. Will scanning work? I turn on my ocular implants. As long as I don’t try to upload it yet, I can scan the notebook. I turn each page, running my eyes along the text. Each shot downstairs makes me flinch. I want to help, but I have to finish this, first.