Evan was all that was left. I had to see his face, see him thriving, so I could validate my life.

Gasps of breath. The wind is strong and the air cold. My lungs are on fire.

Maybe Evan knew. Maybe he could sense it seeping from my skin. The need I wanted him to fulfill which must have felt like poison. A mother shouldn’t need things from her child.

I caused Nicole’s demise. She is certain of it and it now feels real, though disorienting. I went to my son under false pretenses, caused him pain. Caused him to lash out with cruelty. My husband pretends to sleep so he won’t have to look at me.

Yes, I think as the grief spins violently in my head. I am a bad mother. This is an objective fact. There’s no way around it.

I let a child die.

I am at the entrance to the Gas n’ Go. I look up and see there are no cars. No lights on inside the store. Orange cones stand in front of the pumps.

The rain comes suddenly. The blanket covering the sky is now a broken dam. It’s dark but I can still see the writing on a cardboard sign. Closed for storm!

I stop and let the rain wash over me as I stare at these words.

Evan, Nicole, John. I am a burden to them now because they don’t love me. Because they can’t love me.

It’s been five years to this very day that they stopped.

Five years since Annie died.

Five years since she ran into the road.

Five years since I struck her with my car. Since I killed her.

Tears, rain, wind. I walk a few paces to the intersection, to the road, Hastings Pass, that leads to the town. There is nothing but pavement and dirt riding over hills, and the dead cornstalks in fields that go on and on. Not another car in sight.

The hurricane is a category four. That’s what they said on the radio. I remember the voices now. I remember the name of this town. Hastings. I have driven into the eye of the storm. I hear the mantra in my head. Don’t give up. I feel the weight of my guilt like a rock I hold above my head. How I fight to keep it from falling. I think now that maybe it’s time. Maybe I can just let it fall.

Maybe I can just walk away.

These words bring a sudden, jarring euphoria.

Walk away. Just walk away.

The road with the brown cornfields, darkened by the angry storm, is now a thing of beauty. An oasis. An escape. My legs begin to move, pulling my body. My mind is in a trance. Sedated by these words and the promises they offer.

You can leave all of this behind.

You can start again.