My chest rises and falls quickly now as I gasp for air. I cannot hide it any longer. The tears are now sobs as I lie here in my prison, unable to see a way out. I am forced to surrender. And it comes. It all comes, storming the unarmed gates.

Nicole.

I see your face as you stand in the driveway. I see your face staring at your sister as she lies in the road. I see your face when you realize what has happened.

I prayed that the warrior in you would win the war. I did not have the strength to carry you through the storm of our grief. And our guilt.

I will not sleep tonight. And without sleep, I will not have the strength to fight him. I will not have the mental agility to make a new plan.

The tears have stopped though I cannot stop the panic.

There is no evidence of an imminent fight. No need for an immediate plan.

And yet it is here. This panic.

I sit up then. Not caring about the camera, about Dolly. Not caring if I wake Alice. I sit up because I have to shift the blood that has pooled in my head and caused this chaos.

I let it all settle, recalibrate. I can’t make any sense of it. But it does not leave.

I allow my gut to weigh in, the feelings I have had these past sixteen days.

Mick was cheerful when he picked me up that night. He was almost giddy. His plan had worked. His stalking and scheduling. Using Alice to lure me into this house.

And then he was hopeful as I was kind to Alice and then returned to the house after going into the woods.

And then I tried to take that phone and he wrestled me to the floor, dragged me to that room. There was excitement in his eyes, from the physical violence. From the dominion he then had over my body, but also my emotions. He provoked terror and relief each time he walked down the hall to that dark room.

But Nicole had arrived and he had seen her in the town. She reminded him of his dead wife and the thought got in his head. Under his skin.

Still, he gave us some time. Me and Alice. But also me and him. He watched me changing. He watched me standing before him, and sitting with Alice. He slept in the bed with us. I know he tried to want me. But hope turned to frustration. I was not enough. I have not been enough.

And now, he is planning something. With his avoidance of me, but his leniency with the food. He makes accommodations to appease me and Alice.

I must accept the truth now. The kind of truth that is known from inside, without the need for objective evidence.