I heard my car door slam. The sound felt like one of those paradoxical moments in life—a door closing so another one could open. Or was that the final door of my old life closing, trapping me in a world I didn’t want to be a part of?

Was I really going to sleep with a man for information? Albeit he was an extremely hot man I wanted to sleep with, but not this way, not for information, not while I was lying to him, and not when it meant I had to compromise who I was.

These were my thoughts as I walked hand-in-hand with Adam to the front door. Incidentally, I didn’t have to decide whether or not I was going to hold his hand—he made that decision when he wrapped his fingers around mine and didn’t let go. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like that—both him making the decision to hold my hand, and the way it felt to hold his.

Since I hadn’t had a thought in the last twelve hours that didn’t revolve around Adam, I’d spent some time wondering what it was about him that appealed to me. What was it that drew me to him like I’d never been drawn to a man before? I couldn’t come up with a single reason beyond that it was instinctual. A visceral reaction. I saw him and there was this awareness that came over me, a nagging demand that came from deep inside of me to go to him. It was insane. It made me sound like a fruit loop. But the feeling was real and each time I saw him the nagging became harder and harder to ignore. If I believed in love at first sight, I’d say that was what happened. If I believed in soulmates, I’d say Adam was put on this earth for me.

But I didn’t believe in that kind of stuff and further, there was no way God would be cruel enough to make me have to compromise who I was to have him.

But then I had my doubts if Adam even liked being a part of the scene. He’d been at Club Joi for months and no one, not a single new member since I’d started working there waited to get down and dirty. That was why they were there. That was why they paid the astronomical fees. But not Adam. Which made me wonder if this was the first club of its sort he’d been to. Maybe he was just curious if that sort of thing did it for him.

I do not share what’s mine. Period. Not ever.

Would a man who belonged to a kink club say that?

Would he readily agree not to participate himself if he needed the kink to get off?

Yep, my plan was going to fail because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. It was going to fail because I was making excuses for Adam so I wouldn’t feel yucky about sleeping with him. And it was going to fail because I was going to fall in love with him despite telling myself not to.