‘Oh no,’ the officer assured him.

‘Hindoo sanskriti ke jad ko nasht kar doge. Paan to Lakshmi ka aasan hota hai. “Hey devta, aapka aashirvad sada hamare paas rahe. Hamare paan, elaichi, aur laung ka svekaar karen.” Vedon mein likha hain, “Paan ke bina to koi vidhi ho hi nahin sakti.” Jab hum Shri Ganeshaya namah kehte hain, pata hai kya dete hain? (You will destroy the essence of Hindu culture. Paan is the seat of Lakshmi. “Dear God, bless us. Accept our betel nut, cardamom and clove.” It’s in the Vedas. “There’s no ritual without the betel.” Do you know what we give when we say Shri Ganeshaya namah?)’

‘Why do you say it?’ Young asked.

‘Salutations to Ganesha. It’s auspicious to say it before we begin anything new,’ the officer explained. ‘He was not asking us about what we say, but what we give?’

‘What do you give?’ Young asked impatiently.

‘Paan ke patte, aur supari. Jab bhagwaan samudra manthan kar rahe the, amrit ke liye, pata hai, pehli pavan vastu kya nikli? (Betel leaves and a betel nut. Do you know which sacred object first emerged when the gods were churning the oceans for nectar?)’ asked the swami.

‘No,’ replied Young.

‘Paan ke patte (Betel leaves).’

‘From the ocean?’ asked Young, incredulous.

‘Arey, Skanda puran mein hai. “Agar muh ke andar vedon ke shabd na ho, panditya na ho, paan ka laal rang na ho, to woh kuch bhi nahin, bas ek khali ched hai.” Agar yeh ek paan ka patta hai, Indraji upar rehte hain, Saraswatiji—pata hai Vidya ki Devi—theek beechme rehti hain, Lakshmiji neeche baithti hain, Vishnuji andar virajmaan hain, Shivji bahar, aur Parvati, bayein (It is written in the Skanda Purana: “A mouth, without a word from the Vedas, without wit and without the red juice of betel leaves, is nothing but an empty hole.” If this is a betel leaf,’ the swami continued, moving a large, red ledger book containing details of donations received to the centre of the table, ‘Indra resides on the top, Saraswati—you know, the goddess of knowledge—sits in the middle, and Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, sits below. Vishnu resides within, Shiva outside and Parvati on the left).’

‘When paan is no more, where will the gods live—another leaf?’ retorted Young.

Swamiji cleared his throat, rose and walked out of the door.

‘Forgive me, sir, but can I make a humble request?’ the officer asked Young.

‘Make it short.’

‘I humbly request you to not be impudent to Swamiji. He has a large following,’ said the officer.

‘Don’t tell me what to do,’ snapped Young.

‘I am very sorry, very, very sorry. Sir, I asked your permission before I made the request, it was also humbly humble.’

‘I have specific questions regarding my survey and this man is telling me who’s sitting where in his fantasy world. His dining table is one betel leaf!’