As much as I need to have that conversation with Bonnie, there’s a greater part of me that doesn’t want to. Because then I would have to admit I’ve lied about what happened before we left. And the reason I lied was because I’d thought, if I did, it would keep us all together.

Chapter Five

That night, while Evergreen is no longer a headline, my own personal interest has heightened. I pore over the internet searching photos, names, anything that relates to it. The more I find out, the more I have to know. It has become a drug. How I managed to keep myself away for all these years, I’m no longer sure.

A couple of weeks into my own counselling sessions, I was asked, ‘How often do you think of your old island?’ I thought the way the counsellor said ‘your old island’ made it sound like a fictional land rather than the only place I’ve ever called home.

‘Not often.’ I cocked my head, mirroring hers. We were both as inquisitive as the other to know what was really going on inside each other’s heads. For my part I wanted to know what she was getting at and why she kept coming back to Evergreen. Something in our first meeting had fuelled her therapist’s interests.

When the ensuing silence got to her, she went on, ‘You clearly wish your parents had never taken you away from it. Do you think you’ve given yourself the chance to settle anywhere else?’

It was an interesting question, and not one I’d really considered. ‘I don’t know. I guess.’

‘You’re thirty-two. You’re having a change of career. You live in a rented flat. You want to devote your time to helping others and you also spend a lot of effort on your sister. Who you still live less than ten minutes from,’ she stated, as if this wasn’t a good thing.

The heat spread up my neck and across my face. ‘You make it sound like I’m a failure,’ I blurted.

‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Not at all. Or rather I’m sorry if I do – I applaud your decision to train in a new vocation. I just get the impression you spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about Bonnie and …’ she paused and I caught a flash of pink colouring her own cheeks ‘… living in the past. Seeing it as all rosy is common, but maybe not too healthy for someone at your life stage. Planning for the future is—’

‘I thought that’s what I was doing,’ I snapped, blinking as my eyes watered. ‘Retraining. And I can’t help worrying about Bonnie when she’s the only family I have.’

‘Yes,’ she said, looking like she wanted to add more. Maybe about why I always brushed over my feelings around losing every other family member.