“No,” I say, trying to give myself a few more seconds to listen to what my heart is saying. “I, um, I lost my train of thought. You go ahead, please.”

“Okay.” His face grows serious, and he extends his hand across the table for me to take. I do. “What I was saying was… I’m falling in love with you, Rachel,” he says, his eyes never leaving mine.

In that moment, my breath stops.

He loves me.

He squeezes my hand, the most beautiful smile lighting up his eyes. All of the Maybe I shoulds and We’d better justs fly from my mind. When he looks at me like this, I suddenly stop thinking about shoulds. I stop thinking altogether. Is this what Umma meant?

I realize that I’m smiling—huge. A smile that hasn’t felt this good in a very long time. The complete opposite of Robot Rachel smile. I can’t help it. His smile is contagious. I love the crinkles on the side of his eyes. I love that dimple in his left cheek. I love how his voice is a perfect mix of husky and warm. I love everything about him.

I love him.

It’s as simple as that. And now the moment is here. The moment when I say it back. When I tell him everything I’ve been holding in, that I’ve been feeling. Oh my god. This is huge. Okay, take a deep breath. Just let it out.

“Alex, I… I…” I love you. I’m sorry dating me can be so complicated. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know this one thing to be true—you’re perfect for me. You and me against the world. “Alex, I love… this wine!”

I can’t say it. As much as I know in my heart that it’s true, saying the words out loud would mean destroying my plausible deniability forever. I’m just not ready for that. Luckily, he plays off the awkwardness, and doesn’t act like he just let the words I love you hang in the air without hearing it back. If he’s hurt or upset, he’s hiding it well—his dimple still out in full force as he offers me a bite of his lobster. Still, I search his eyes for any sign of disappointment, and try to convey through my own that even though I’m not ready to say that yet, I do feel it. It’s beyond clear to me now that I can’t let the girls and the rumors get in the way of us. You don’t walk away from someone you love.

But I am ready to fess up about some other things.

After we get a round of waters to clear our heads, I finally let loose about The Ultimatum and my doubts about pursuing RACHEL K. any further.