“Oh no. Alex…” As an idol I’m used to this level of scrutiny, but Alex is just a normal person. A “civilian” as Mina likes to call them. He’s never had to deal with this kind of stuff, and he shouldn’t have to. “I’m so sorry.”

Alex gently tilts my chin up so I’m looking right at him. “Seriously, don’t feel bad. I know all that internet stuff is just bullshit. But still, I understand that we have to be careful. I got Ollie to help me reserve the entire restaurant so that we could dine in peace tonight without the possibility of any paparazzi. And today during the shoot I called a few of my contacts at various media outlets to see if they thought I should put a statement out or something. I just wanted to do what was best for you, for your reputation. I didn’t want to say something wrong and screw up. I guess I probably should have just asked you.” He smiles sheepishly, but then his face grows serious again. “It made me realize, though, that we need to be totally honest with each other. Not just right now, but all the time. If we’re not, there’s way too much room for misunderstandings to get between us.”

Right. Misunderstandings. Like when one person flies halfway across the world to be with someone, and the other person almost smashes a vase over their head.

“Even with the Reveal story, I’m glad you’re here, that you were at the shoot today. Our relationship has been life-changing for me, Alex. I just—”

“Rachel, I need to tell you something.”

“Your dinner has arrived!” The waitress sweeps in at that exact moment with plates of gnocchi and lobster drizzled in champagne sauce.

“Thank you,” Alex says with a pained smile.

As soon as she leaves, Alex and I look at each other from across the table.

“You were saying?” I ask.

But Alex looks a little pale and gestures at me. “No, no, I interrupted you. What were you going to say?”

I came here hoping to truly communicate with Alex about all the things I’m thinking and feeling, but in this moment I’m suddenly at a complete loss for what to say. Do I tell him about the girls’ ultimatum? That I’m thinking of stepping back from fashion? Do I tell him that this—us—is yet another thing the girls think is getting in the way of our group? How do I even start? Is all this uncertainty a sign that I’ve stretched myself too thin? Or am I uncertain because I’m overthinking it?

When I look at Alex, I don’t feel uncertainty about him. As a person, he’s everything I want. The uncertainty is about me, not him. I think about what Umma told me. You can’t know with your head, only with your heart.