I’m guessing you’re first on the scene—sorry this is what you found. Today felt like a good day to take this step. Just like you pointed out, I’ve been very lucky to get to know you and get the opportunity to explain myself and apologise for the indefensible things I did in the past. You say you’ve forgiven me, and that’s almost certainly true. I’m grateful for that, but as you know, I’m unable to forgive myself. Maybe I can’t, maybe I don’t want to, but there’s one thing I do know—I don’t want to be alive here and now. I want Charlotte in my life, and perhaps Peter too.

The truth is that I’m too lazy to go on living. I don’t have it in me to build new, close relationships, and I don’t have the strength to believe that any opportunities like that would come along in the future.

Love.

Hope.

The joy of life.

No, you can hear for yourself how alien those words sound when they come from me. But that’s what I wish for, for those of you who never gave up hope in me. You, Nanna. And Lubbi, Jimmy, Micki, Kat, and the others. You probably see yourselves as my friends, but I don’t have any friends and I am friend to no one.

Thanks for trying.

Sorry that I didn’t.

Don’t grieve, I don’t love anyone.

Best wishes, Jeanette.

PS. The mobile is for you. There are photos on it that I took after the hit-and-run. Take good care of them.

The letter was peculiarly absent of any statements of tenderness, honest in its nakedness. Jeanette had wanted to say thank you and sorry—she hadn’t wanted them to believe they had meant anything to her. A loveless and therefore meaningless existence was what she had left, and at least her suffering was over.

Kerstin tore off a sheet of the kitchen roll on the counter and wiped away her tears before dialling emergency services.

74. Jan

74

Jan

HE STOOD THERE looking at his unconscious antagonist, weighing up how to respond to the situation. This was very much match point, and all Jan had to do was take the computer and leave. That would mean all his problems would be gone and life would be able to return to normal—which had been the intention of this visit from the beginning.