She finishes on a shout, and Milo, instead of being startled, starts to laugh. Laugh! Wow. That’s it. Never having kids. Nobody on this planet is more intimidating than Elsie Cooper when she’s angry, and this tiny human is amused by her wrath. Children are monsters.

I look from the giggling kid on my hip to my well-intentioned but super-pissed best friend. “Your kid thinks you’re a joke.”

“Welcome to my life.” She brushes me off. “Now, spill. What happened? Did your dad show? Did you tell Donna about this?”

“Oh god no. You know I try to avoid telling my mom anything that will freak her out. She’s finally not asking if I want her to move back from Tennessee every time we talk. Father Dearest hasn’t shown up yet. If he did, it would’ve been anything but pleasant.” My dad’s special like that. He has the distinct ability to ruin my entire day without even trying. “We just ate dinner and talked. You know Daisy has always been nice—”

Elsie cuts me off. “I swear to god, if you say nice again, I’m going to freaking scream.”

I look at Milo. He’s bored with me and his mom. His chubby little toddler fingers are busy trying to grab the pendant resting on my chest. “Milo, dude. Your mom’s a little cray-cray, yeah?”

His big brown eyes, which are an exact replica of his dad’s, meet mine as he nods and repeats after me. “Cway-cway.”

I pull my lips between my teeth and try to swallow my laughter.

“Great.” Elsie rolls her eyes. “Thanks for that.”

The snort of laughter lodged in my throat breaks free. I should feel guilty, but I don’t. “Please, Willow and Wren said the f-word when they were this age; this isn’t that bad.”

She puts her hands on her hips, but some of the intended effect is lost with the sleeping baby still strapped to her. “First of all, ma’am, no need to remind me of that. If you had twins and were pregnant again, you’d swear a lot too. Second, I fixed my mouth and we haven’t had that problem since, thank you very much.”

“Well, what is Aunt Drew for if not providing your kids with absurd amounts of noise-making presents, sugar, and slightly inappropriate words that sound very cute coming out of their little mouths?”

It’s not like I’m out here teaching them four-letter words; I’m not a total troll. But Milo can’t say his r sound. Him saying cray-cray is adorable and I’m not apologizing.

“Whatever.” She shakes her head and lets out a sigh so deep I fear she might pass out. “I know you’re deflecting. Tell me what happened.”