We are moving fast but what I said to her is true. And even more true, more urgent, since I’ve met her. This feeling I’ve always had that my life would be a short one, it’s on my mind more and more and I can’t shake it like I could before. Maybe it’s because of what’s happening with my mother. The reality of the fragility of human life. My own mortality staring me in the fucking face. It’s like everything is going at warp speed. Like what I said to my father a few nights ago about a reckoning—it’s coming. It’s coming for me.

My hands are dirty.

No, not dirty. That’s too easy.

They’re blood soaked.

Maybe that’s why she draws me? She says she knows, but she doesn’t, not really.

I think back to the night of the convenience store robbery. I remember telling her to close her eyes. She did without question, trusting me, a man—a stranger—with a gun. A man who leaves destruction in his wake. To whom darkness clings. She didn’t see me take aim at the asshole who would have raped her. Didn’t see me shoot, point blank, the terror in his eyes only fueling me. Giving me power.

No, I don’t think she can imagine this. She may think she knows, but she cannot fathom the depths of the darkness that is my life. I am a monster. It’s the beast I’ve created and fed.

Maybe in some way, I hope her innocence will absolve me. Even as I know that for someone like me, there is no absolution. I’m hell bound. I will burn for what I’ve done, for the sins I’ve committed. And I don’t deny that’s where I belong. But I want my time first. I want my time with her even though I know it’s selfish. Even though I know I should walk away now before things get more confused.

Because they’re already confused as fuck.

And when she mentioned the other things, the lack of birth control, I don’t know what I was thinking. What I did before I left—rubbing my cum into her—in a way, what she said, the fact that a child is a possibility?

Fuck.

I don’t even know what I’m thinking. What I’m doing. What do I want? To put a baby inside her? What the fuck is wrong with me? She’s still in school. She’s got her whole life ahead of her. And what if I’m right? What if I’m not around for long? What the fuck am I doing to her? How much more selfish can I be?