“Oh, no. I’m fourteen years old.” Griffin took his big hand and put it on my shoulder. “That’s it. You need to be confident.” Where was Judy Blume when I needed her?

Daddy hired a church lady to offer her rendition of the “biblical facts of life” and explain “womanhood” to me. I wasn’t thrilled about the whole boobs and hormones thing. If I wasn’t thrilled, Daddy stayed in a state of discombobulation. After the church lady finished, Daddy put a chalkboard in a kitchen drawer to address all my “feminine needs.” The first week, I wrote down “T.P.” Daddy literally bought me a case of tampons. There were enough boxes of tampons to equip the girls’ basketball team, softball team, and lacrosse team.

When we were having dinner, I said, “You know, Daddy, T.P. stands for toilet paper, not tampons.” Well, at the mere utterance of the word, Daddy looked like he had a sudden case of food poisoning. I think he would have been happier if I had just jumped on the kitchen table and yelled “fuck” at the top of my lungs because he heard that from Henry all the time. After that, any time Daddy bought tampons, he also purchased a case of toilet paper so there would be no confusion or further conversation regarding the topic.

This brought unabridged laughter from Reggie and Elle. I would always end these tales with the mantra “being raised by men is just one step away from being raised by a pack of wild wolves.”

I made it all sound funny and harmless. I didn’t tell them that when the boys went off to school, the house, Daddy, and I all came down with a low-grade depression. Daddy was scared to look at me. Afraid of what an exchange would mean. Most of the time, Daddy and I moved silently around the house like pieces of driftwood floating aimlessly on the water.

I understood missing the boys. But how could you miss someone under the same roof? Occasionally, I would take one of his pocket squares, just to feel closer to him. I slept in Henry’s room. Unapologetically I clutched his T-shirt. Even the lingering smells of cigarettes and liquor reminded me of him and brought me restful sleep. Or if I snatched a whiff of citrus or Dial soap, I would jerk my head around only to find no one standing there. I often closed my eyes and whispered “Griffin.” Sometimes I said it like a question. More often, I uttered it as an earnest prayer.

The girls must’ve had some idea. One night, Reggie took my hand and said, “You have us now. We love you.” She just said it. No one had ever said that to me before. Not in my entire life. Not from any of my men. I learned to say it back. I liked it. I was so grateful that they had danced into my life. They became the antidote for loneliness. They didn’t care if I had been raised by wolves.