He looked at me with indifference, maybe pity. Pity in the eyes of a cat. I must be going crazy.
I called Carolyn’s phone again. Again, straight to voicemail. I grabbed the bottle of Xanax and counted how many pills were left. I had seventeen. I silently congratulated myself for stockpiling them in the days I still had insurance. I took one and lay waiting for the pain to abate even though I knew it wouldn’t. There weren’t enough pills in the world to dull the brand of pain I was feeling. After fifteen minutes, I took a second pill and then pondered taking a third. I decided against it because I knew that I’d sleep through the ringer if Carolyn called. Instead I went upstairs and knocked at Gene’s door.
“Did Carolyn come here?” I asked the second he opened it.
“You okay, kiddo? You look horrible.”
“I’ve certainly been better, Gene. Have you seen her? Did she come up here before she left?’
“Afraid not. What’s going on?”
I shook my head. “All her stuff is gone. I’m sorry, I need to go find her.”
I raced back down and flew out into the night. Where, where would she go? I had no idea. Starbucks was closed. I didn’t know where her friend lived. I called her phone again. Straight to voicemail. I headed west past the stadium, then started south. I walked all the way to the place she had lived with Jimmy. It took me an hour. I had convinced myself that Jimmy’s moving away was part of an elaborate lie so Carolyn could still see him without raising suspicions, but when I got there, it was dark inside and obviously empty. I rang the buzzer anyway, and when nobody responded, I rang it again.
Nothing.
From there I walked to Starbucks, which stood dark and empty just like the apartment, and at two in the morning, I wasn’t sure why I had expected otherwise. I checked my phone. No calls. I tried hers again. Nothing. Then I sat on the stoop. My heart was beating so fast that it scared me. Then I stood and walked home. It took another hour. I was dizzier than hell from the Xanax, and in its haze, it suddenly dawned on me that Carolyn wasn’t going to call. She had had enough, just as Gene had promised, and with that realization came a whole heap of other thoughts I didn’t feel up to dealing with. I took the third pill, which was the most I’d ever taken at once. Then I undressed and crawled into bed.