She smiles and I can count each one of her teeth. She curls one hand around the other like she did the first time we met, and this time a flower with gold petals appears. Her magic is fragile, stunted like all of theirs, but she knows this flower trick well. “For you,” she says.

“You’re so good at that.” I pick it up gently, but its crinkled petals turn to dust. A gust of wind steals them, and her smile blows away with it. She sulks away deflated.

“Titu—” But she doesn’t turn back.

“Her mother did not make it.” Jhamal appears out of nowhere. His words cut like a blade.

I did this.

He strokes my hand and for a moment I let him.

“Did you find Bati?” he asks, massaging the tension out of my hand, like he just knows I’m a ball of stress. There’s a sense of longing in his expression. And yet his words come out measured. How is he so calm? How can he look at the size of this crowd, know how his home has been desecrated, and not be furious with me? I’m furious with myself.

“No.” There are hundreds of people here, maybe I just haven’t found him yet.

“I know it’s a lot. You are doing great.”

I snatch my hand from his and his expression crinkles.

“How can you say that to me?” My voice is louder than I mean it to be.

“Jelani, I’ve told you so man—”

“No, how can you look at this place, then look at me and see anything but—” My eyes sting.

Heads turn our way. I sigh.

“You know what, never mind.” I won’t do this. Not here. I have a plan and it’s the only thing keeping me upright on my feet. Even if I can’t find Bati, someone knows where the texts are. I will find a spell or some way to restore our magic. I will.

“Rue.” He never calls me that unless he feels like he’s not getting through to me. He throws an arm over my shoulder, making light of the situation, and the nosy stares we were getting dissolve. He ushers me to a shaded corner of the room. He takes my hands in his and pulls me into a hug. “I’m on your side,” he says, sadness shading his expression.

Everything in me wants to push him away. But here in this corner, with no one looking, when my head and heart feel like they might burst from the pressure of it all, the reality of what I’ve done, not a memory, but staring me right in my face, I can’t even find the strength to do that. He is a wall around me, his chest hard against my face, like he’s determined to hold me up, no matter how sure I am my knees might falter.