Was it because I’m chubby and undesirable? Did I somehow make him feel pressured? Should I have been more resolute about pulling away from him? Of all people, I should know that coming out is a major fucking deal. Your head spins with uncertainty right before the plunge, but then once you say it out loud to another person and it’s real and not just an idea in your mind, there’s an immense, weight-lifting relief and niggling fears that you won’t be met with love every time you come out. Because you’ll be coming out in small ways every fucking day of the rest of your life.

Leila was the first person I came out to as gay freshman year in high school, even though Rae and I were closer. It was easier because she always called herself “a gay man in a woman’s body” and boasted about how “all the Instagays love my Insta content, yaaasss queen!” At the time, it made me think she would be accepting, and I just ignored the gross discomfort I felt when she said that. Because the fact is, she’s not a gay man, so she’s appropriating what doesn’t belong to her. Granted, this isn’t something only Leila does—many straight white girls co-opt queer culture like fashion accessories when it suits them but stay silent when we talk about the actual struggles of being queer. It’s like we’re only worth our meme value and only when it fits into a binary: Acceptable versus Everything Else.

When I finally worked up enough nerve to come out, I slipped a note in her locker in between classes.

ME: I left something in your locker. A note. Plz don’t say anything.

LEILA: omg please don’t tell me you’re in love with me

LEILA: you’re in love with me, aren’t you?

LEILA: I have that effect on boys

ME: LOL

When she finally saw the note, she texted:

LEILA: OMG CHASE! I knew it! I totally called it. It was so obvious.

ME: Thanks?

LEILA: You’re welcome! And btw, I love you, hope you know that!

LEILA: This is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me btw

The response was typical Leila, centered on herself, making me sound like a shiny gay bauble to be collected. I think that’s why I told her first. I liked the idea that it wouldn’t be about me, but then her reaction soured my stomach because I realized it really should be about me. I wanted more. More than just a “yeah, I knew,” like my identity was some sort of running bet.