“I couldn’t tell him what happened because I was so embarrassed. I thought Cal would never talk to me again and that it’d be all over school. I told him Cal and I were wrestling and got carried away, which I guess is what Cal said, too. But then Cal showed up at the hospital. In my room. And he told me he loved me like a brother, but if I ever came on to him again, he’d tell everyone and do worse than slam me into the pavement. He said I needed to ‘get my head right,’ and that I was confused and hated myself because of my ‘unnatural urges.’ ”

That’s insidious as hell. I break my embargo on touching him and take him in my arms, holding him tight. “I’m so sorry, Jack. Why did you stay friends with him?”

His mouth is pressed to my collarbone. “After that day in the hospital, everything was normal. Like it never happened. He never said another word. I started dating girls like Courtney Thomas. And Cal and I were closer than ever. He started working for my dad and basically lived with us at the farm and came to church with us, and Dad loved that because I was never big on going. But I started to like it because Cal was there, and I got to be near him. Sounds fucked up. The more he came with us, the more devout he became, and suddenly he’d be over for dinner and preaching the gospel. At some point, it just became too much for me because I was battling all this inner stuff.” His voice gets quiet. “Being gay.” He goes silent for a few moments. “I think that’s why I didn’t go to school in Vermont.”

“You left to forget him?” I ask, but it’s more like a statement.

“To get over him. To get away from him. I love him, but when I met you, I realized how toxic and wrong that love was. And then he showed up, and it was like that day all over again.” Jack picks his head up and looks me dead in the eyes. “I hurt you because I was hurting. It felt like my whole life was collapsing around me because of the hold he had. I didn’t realize that what we had, what we were building, was stronger than all that and could withstand it. And it took therapy and coming out to my parents and finally releasing Cal’s hold over me that I saw that you saved me. You made me feel like I was enough.”