I think of Dad and his quick exit from our home and his marriage, and I get hot with anger.

“One day, you just wake up and think, I don’t love this person. Because, fuck. I don’t know much, but I know how I feel about Jack is so complicated I could cry at any minute then smile because of how he made me feel. If I could turn off my love for Jack …” My voice trails off.

“Would you?” Sweatervest asks.

“No,” I say quickly, and he motions for me to continue. “Yeah, it kills me to love him, but loving him was the best thing that’s ever happened to me, even though I wasn’t enough for him. Big surprise,” I mutter. “The hating him part sucks, even though I don’t actually hate him. But I have to because if I don’t hate him, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything but how I wasn’t enough. But even if I could turn off the love part, it wouldn’t negate the pain. Right?”

When I finish, he nods, and his eyes narrow in on me. Before he can say anything, I add, “So how come he gets to turn it off?”

Dr. Sweatervest clears his throat. “I’d like to focus on you, not Jack. You can’t control what Jack does and how he thinks or what he’s really thinking.”

What he’s really thinking? “So you think Jack might love me?” I interrupt.

“I don’t think that’s a question anyone but Jack can answer. And that might not be an answer you ever get.”

Suddenly I can’t breathe. I want to cry and scream and curse out Dr. Sweatervest. But that’s not helpful. I avoid looking at him, opting instead to study the pattern of the carpet in his office.

He continues, “So I’d like us to focus on you. Because loving somebody is a wonderful thing, and being loved by somebody is a beautiful feeling, and you should be allowed to feel joy among the pain. So one thing I’d like us to work on is how these feelings are tied to your self-esteem and self-worth—your weight, your relationship with your father, and Jack—and how you can get to the point where you are enough for you.”

Oof. That hits hard. I stare at him, not sure what to say. Then I ask, “How do I get to that place?”

“That’s the hard part,” he says. “And it’s going to take a lot of mindfulness, time, and the recognition that it won’t happen overnight. It’s like climbing a mountain. You have to be aware of the terrain while also listening to your body and mind.”

“That hardly seems fair.”