‘I mean,’ Tantalus continued, ‘all theesssss guidelinessss about what you can and cannot do. Don’t feed them this. Don’t let them watch that. Don’t kill them and sssserve them up at a feasssst. It’s political correctnesssss gone mad . . .’

‘Isssss ssssso ssssssstupid,’ said Dionysus, nearly falling off his stool. ‘But do you know what’ssss wonderful?’

‘Tell me,’ hiccoughed Tantalus.

‘I love you,’ said Dionysus sincerely.

‘Oh, sssssssshhhh,’ laughed Tantalus.

‘No, I mean it,’ Dionysus insisted. ‘I know we’ve only jussssst met and you cook children and everything. But I really love you.’

‘That’sssss beautiful,’ sobbed Tantalus. ‘It’ssss been so long ssssince I had a friend. It’ssss . . . it’sss like no one even wantsss to come round for dinner any more . . .’

‘You shee,’ said Ares, coming up behind Zeus. ‘I told you we’d shucsheed.’

Zeus had to agree. The Elemental troops were under control. The prisoners of Tartarus could easily be returned. But where were—

A horrifying shriek above his head answered his question. In a haze of multicoloured evil, the Daemon army filled the sky with their battle cries, polluting the air with their fearful curses. Zeus felt the maelstrom of emotion that they spread, all his feelings fighting one another. They couldn’t be unleashed on the mortals. They had to be stopped.

‘What do we do?’ asked Zeus, as Ares searched around him frantically. ‘Who have we got left?’

But all the Olympians were occupied with their Elementals. And the Daemon army was advancing.

‘OK,’ said Zeus, drawing his thunderbolts. ‘Looks like we’re going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. Ready—’

‘HADES!’ came a ferocious scream across the stones. ‘GET OVA HERE, YOU BIG LUG.’

‘Oh, Geez,’ gulped the God of the Underworld, throwing down his cards and pulling at his collar in unease. ‘You think the total destruction of mortalkind is a problem? You ain’t met my missus . . . Persephone! Dollface! Good to see you, baby girl!’

‘Don’tcha “baby girl” me!’ thundered Persephone. ‘I bin looking all ova for yous. Thought you’d get outta rehoisals for my noo jazz opera cabaret, did ya? Well, I got noos for you, pal! If you won’t come to the music, the music will come to you . . . Take this! Nessun dorma!’

‘No, baby, don’t do it,’ Hades pleaded. ‘Dollface, I’m begging you . . .’

Persephone took a massive breath.

‘NESSUN DORMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!’

Without warning, Persephone let rip a high C that made the very foundations of the Earth shudder. Everyone’s hands snatched to their ears to drown out the dreadful sound. The flagons along Demeter’s bar each smashed in turn as they reverberated with the endless note. Even the ancient rocks of Stonehenge, which had withstood every natural and man-made disaster since the Stone Age, trembled precariously.

‘Ye Gods!’ cried Zeus, clasping his ears. ‘Make it stop!’

‘Don’t shtop!’ Ares cried back. ‘Look!’