And, in a mass of tapping fingers, the fairy threat was dissolved.

‘ATTAAAAAACK!’ came a new voice from across the plain.

‘Tantalus!’ Zeus cried. ‘He’s leading an army of goblins. Demeter – are you ready?’

‘Don’t you worry, my lovely,’ said Demeter, ladling out bowls of steaming stew to accompany the golden flagons of nectar on her makeshift bar. ‘Dionysus, give us a hand!’

‘Do you have any idea how many calories are in that?’ tutted the God of Wine.

‘Yes – 24,568,’ winked Demeter. ‘Or 25,000 flat if you add the dumplings. Now, do your thing!’

‘If I must,’ scowled Dionysus, before pinning a smile to his face. ‘Tantalus! Welcome to Elysian Eats, the latest pop-up restaurant experience! Won’t you come in and have a bite? Families welcome . . .’

‘No!’ cried Tantalus. ‘I mean, I can’t . . . I . . .’

He hungrily eyed the especially large dumplings Demeter plopped into an overflowing bowl of stew.

‘What was that, my lovely?’ she asked, ripping up some huge hunks of bread to go with it.

‘I-I-I-I’M STARVING!’ he cried, lunging at the stew and burying his face in it.

‘Good lad,’ said Demeter, patting the back of his head as the goblins descended on the other bowls. ‘Here, why not wash it down with a lovely glass of nec—’

The flagon was snatched from her hand and Tantalus glugged the nectar down in one go.

‘I hate drinking alone,’ he belched. ‘Come, friend – have a drink with me.’

‘I c-can’t,’ said Dionysus hesitantly. ‘I’m on a strict juicing detox that requires absolute—’

‘Oh, get that down yer neck!’ said Demeter, forcing a flagon into his hand.

‘Well – I suppose one can’t hurt,’ Dionysus slobbered, and drained it with a single gulp.

‘There’s the boy,’ laughed Demeter, refilling his flagon from a golden jug.

‘And so if you subtract x from the value of sin minus cos, I believe you’ll find that the value of a is equal to the product of f,’ said Athene to a group of nodding gorgons, who were enthusiastically taking notes from her chalkboard.

‘That’s why I told ’em,’ roared Poseidon from a hot tub full of mermaids, mermen and sea nymphs. ‘I said, “If you think that’s a sea monster, you should meet my ex-woife!”’

The rest of the story was lost to uproarious laughter and the clinking of glasses. Zeus looked around. The plan was working. Apollo was jamming by the Heel Stone with a makeshift band of satyrs. Hades was playing blackjack with a group of pixies. Sisyphus was busy working out his sibling rivalry with Salmoneus in an inflatable sumo suit.

‘The thththing isssss,’ slurred Tantalus, his arm slung around Dionysus, who was draining another flagon of nectar. ‘Thisss modern-day parenting issss sssso child-centric.’

‘It’s absssssurd,’ Dionysus agreed, refilling his drink from the jug.