‘RIGHT YOU ’ORRIBLE LOT!’ he boomed. ‘THIS IS IT! OLYMPUS EXPECTS EVERY IMMORTAL TO DO THEIR DUTY! IF YOU NEED COURAGE, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! IF YOU NEED INSPIRATION, LISTEN TO YOUR MIND! AND IF YOU NEED A HAND, I HAVE FOUR SPARE IN MY RUCKSACK! TO VICTORY!’

The ground shook harder as the Elemental army approached.

‘STEADY!’ shouted Zeus, feeling the tension of his troops rising. ‘Hold fast, team! Hold—’

But his command was drowned out by an unholy shriek as the first of the battalion came into sight. It was Asteria and her sisters, armed with spears and driven by years of frustrated captivity. Zeus shuddered. He knew what angry, desperate women were capable of. He’d married at least forty-nine of them.

‘AAAAAAAAAAARGH!’ came the fearful cry, ringing around the stones as they drew closer . . . closer . . . closer . . .

Stonehenge was suddenly lit up with a huge neon sign, startling the sisters to a halt.

FREE SPA TREATMENTS – TODAY ONLY! it flashed into the feeble light of morning. MANICURES, PEDICURES, FACIALS, MASSAGES – COME THIS WAY!

‘Ladies!’ Aphrodite, now decked out in a white tunic, greeted them warmly. ‘How would you feel about a forty-five-minute luxury manicure with hand massage and nail extensions of your choice?’

The sisters hesitated, staring longingly at the luxurious pink spa Aphrodite had constructed.

Asteria raised her spear.

‘For thousands of years we have suffered imprisonment, torture and frustration!’ she cried. ‘What makes you think that a manicure will change our course?!’

‘It’s shellac,’ Aphrodite shrugged. ‘Guaranteed to last for at least two weeks.’

Asteria looked at her sisters.

‘Done!’ she cried, and all forty-nine of them ran screaming into the spa to choose their perfect shade.

‘Shentaursh at shix o’clock!’ shouted Ares, using his binoculars to scan the horizon.

‘On it!’ cried Artemis from atop her steed. ‘Hi-ho, Golden!’

She charged off towards the centaurs on her dappled stallion with her hounds close behind. The centaurs galloped resolutely towards her, but just as they met, Artemis let out a blast on her hunting horn, sending the hounds off into the woods.

‘TALLY-HO!’ she roared joyfully, chasing off after them.

The centaurs pulled up and watched her longingly. They whispered briefly amongst themselves – but the thrill of the hunt was too much for them to resist and, with a happy cry, they followed Artemis off across the Wiltshire countryside.

‘Watch out for the fairies!’ Athene cried, pointing to a swarm of angry fairies approaching from the south.

‘Hermesh promished he’d deal with thish,’ Ares replied. ‘It should go off in three . . . two . . . one . . .’

Zeus instinctively ducked, fearing a massive explosion. But instead, the air suddenly came alive with the trill of a hundred mobile ringtones. The fairies came to an abrupt halt to answer their phones.

‘HELLO?’ they shouted as one. ‘I CAN’T TALK, I’M INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE LAND CAMPAIGN . . . WHAT? A VIDEO OF A KITTEN PLAYING A BANJO? WHERE?’