It was an utterly selfish and self-pitying thought, and I knew it. So, what I said to my best friend was, “Maybe.”

She was kind enough to let me off the hook.

*

The two weeks after I arrived home from Hawaii were an emotional rollercoaster. It’s a cliché, I know, but there’s no better way to describe the undulations of my love life. I’d talked to Josh a couple of times on FaceTime, but only briefly. Neither of us seemed to want to have the conversation we needed to have, so we just chit-chatted about unimportant things.

He had also sent me a couple of very long emails—one of them obviously written after he’d had a few drinks. The second email, which arrived within two hours of the first and before I read either of them, was to clarify some of what he’d said in the first.

The gist was: he had strong feelings for me (no kidding?); he forgave me for seeing James and for telling him about it (but I hadn’t forgiven myself); he wanted my forgiveness for being so selfish (I’d weighed that up against what I did and Josh came out way in front); he asked me if I still had feelings for him (uh, yes!); and then he asked me if I wanted to see him again (definitely, but …).

My reply was a lot shorter than either of his emails and, of course, I agonised over every word. It took me more than an hour to write this:

Hi,

You’re being gracious saying you forgive me, but I’m grateful—I’ll take it. And I hadn’t really thought about how we’ve been together on your terms, but you don’t need to apologise for that. I’m a big girl, it takes two to tango, and other applicable clichés.

I left Hawaii feeling awful, thinking I may have lost you for good, so I’m glad we’re okay—or at least, mostly okay. As for seeing you again, I want to. But I think we need to figure out if we’re just friends or if we’re more than that before we make any plans. Is that okay?

Sarah x

That last part was the hardest—deciding what we were to each other before making plans to see each other again—and I still hadn’t heard back.

The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn’t want to lose Josh completely. If it was only friendship between us, then I would find a way to be okay with that.

But there was also James to consider. I knew that if he and I worked out—as a couple—then it was highly unlikely Josh would want to remain friends. That thought, when it lifted its ugly, acne-pocked head, made me feel like crap, and like a crappy person. I tried to ignore it as much as possible.

And even though Lindsey and Cat were against it—for a fortnight, they’d tempered their comments with concern, but it was clear where they both stood—I knew I needed to see James again. Otherwise, how could I know for sure who I wanted to be with?