INT. CHILVERS’ SITTING ROOM. NIGHT.

GILBERT   I wasn’t to know.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   It was theft. Whoever it belonged to, it was theft.

DR SWABY   You’re a professional man. You’ve got letters after your name.

GILBERT   We were hungry.

LOCKWOOD   Hungry? People aren’t hungry. Who’s hungry? Who’s your butcher?
Nuttall is peeping out through a crack in the curtains.

NUTTALL   I can’t satisfy everybody.
Allardyce comes in. The pig follows him.

ALLARDYCE   She’s in very good condition. Did she have a bit of a tummy upset?

GILBERT   (wearily) Yes.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   The important thing is the property has been recovered, the status quo has been restored. You are happy, the police are happy … it’s all been a big mistake.

DR SWABY   Mistake! I want this man crucified.
Inspector Noble takes Dr Swaby on one side.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   You crucify him, Wormold crucifies you.

LOCKWOOD   He’s got us by the scrotum.

ALLARDYCE   Did she take to you? I found her very affectionate.

GILBERT   I did too.

DR SWABY   Henry! (to Gilbert) Listen, you tapeworm. You’ve been found out in a nasty, cheap little crime. I’d like to see you put away for a long time. I’d like to see you drummed out of whatever miserable association you chiropodists belong to and hounded out of this town with your tail between your legs. However, in Westminster Abbey tomorrow morning a young couple are getting married, of a purity and a nobility scum like you just can’t comprehend. As a gesture to them we’re going to say nothing about this, but take a tip from me. Leave this town. We don’t want you. (turning to the others) Now let’s get the pig and get out of here.

NUTTALL   We can’t. We’re being watched.
At which point Joyce comes in, looking like Greta Gynt, in her cocktail dress, with a corsage, a trolley of drinks and a tray of cocktail snacks.

JOYCE   Dr Swaby, Mr Lockwood, Mr Allardyce! And Inspector Noble. This is an unexpected pleasure. I gather there’s been some silly, silly, misunderstanding over this … this animal. Well, we’re all civilised people and I’m sure we can talk it over. Give Dr Swaby a cocktail snack, Mother.
She looks round for Mother, but she is not there.
Mother!
She goes out into the hall and finds Mother cowering there, terrified of Dr Swaby, but still managing to eat the cocktail snacks. Joyce propels her back into the sitting room.
Hand them round, Mother. (mouthing to the others) Seventy-four, and never misses a trick.
While Mother offers round the snacks, Joyce tries unsuccessfully to get them to have drinks. Mother has no more success with the cocktail snacks, Allardyce being the only one to take one, and he looks round in order to give it to the pig. To each one Mother is whispering, ‘No pig. No pig.’