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Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

OFFICER   It’s obviously in your own interests that we lay him by the heels before more innocent people become victims. Now – will you please have your vaccination certificates ready. We shan’t put you to any more inconvenience than we have to!
The guests make for the cloakroom, where they have left their coats and bags. As they go, they pass medical auxiliaries who are carrying in screens, trestle tables and fumigating machines. Besides the military, there are men in white coats – doctors, presumably.

INT. CLOAKROOM. NIGHT.

The guests start searching for their things, which Glyn has simply thrown on the floor.

PAULINE   I haven’t got my vaccination certificate.

RUFUS   Too bloody bad. I’ve got mine.

GEORGE   I’ve never been done.

STELLA   Where the hell’s my bag?

OSCAR   Most of them are forged, anyway.
A stout Black Nurse, in Army uniform and Red Cross armbands, appears in the doorway. She shouts aggressively.

BLACK NURSE   Come on, you lot. No dawdling. Get your clothes off and bring your certificates. Women across the hall, men up the passage. Get cracking.
The Black Nurse bustles off.

PAULINE   Why have we got to take our clothes off?

STELLA   They won’t vaccinate us now, will they? They can’t vaccinate us now, can they, Dickie?

DICKIE   They can do anything they like.

OSCAR   Better do as they say – and don’t argue.

GEORGE   Don’t antagonise them.
They all start to strip.

SUE   Does she mean naked?

BETTY   Surely not.

RUFUS   Best to be on the safe side.

INT. HALL. NIGHT.

Mr Gregory, still in priest’s robes, is talking with the Captain. Mrs Brookstone, who seems also to be immune, has returned to the music room, where she is softly playing the piano.

CAPTAIN   (to the Sergeant) Hurry them up, Sergeant – and get that fumigation under way.

SERGEANT   Now come along, ladies and gentlemen – we don’t want to be here all night. Gents to the left, ladies to the right. That’s the way.
Now virtually naked, the guests file out of the cloakroom, the men carrying their wallets, the women their handbags. Orderlies direct the men to the drawing room, the women to the music room. Peter and Sue rush to embrace each other, and are forcibly separated. A fumigation squad, carrying spraying machines, dons gas masks and starts up the stairs, spraying as they go.

INT. DRAWING ROOM. NIGHT.

Two officials are seated at a table, a security official and a medical orderly.

George is at the table. The official puts out his hand for a certificate without looking at George. George has no certificate.

GEORGE   I’ve never been done.

OFFICIAL   Fill out this form.
While George fills out the form, Oscar is dealt with. He presents his certificate. The Orderly examines it suspiciously, before filing it.

ORDERLY   Forged.