She said, “No, boys, that is the wrong word, what is the right word?”

Sam got a bit cross, “Shhhh, lady!!! It is an arse, an arsey arse!”

It’s not a knitted arse. It’s a knitted heart. With little hands sticking out of it. Which is quite sweet really. At least someone loves me.

At six o’clock I couldn’t put it off any longer; it was time to set off for The Blind Pig for the final performance of my life.

As I looked over the green, I could see the lights in the pub twinkling in the windows. And a group of village lads laughing and joking outside. I could also hear the sound of guitars and Mr. Barraclough’s voice singing, “I’m the god of hellfire. PIES, I’m gonna …”

Ruby came tumbling across to meet me with Matilda. Matilda had her tutu on and some fairy wings. Ruby said, “Oooh, look at you. Show me your furry tights.”

I said, “I’d rather not.”

Ruby said, “Don’t be so daft, you big girl. Everyone’s going to see be seeing ’em soon, the pub’s packed out. You have to show Northern grit—else they’ll eat you alive! Anyway, you can’t let me down, I’ve trained Matilda especially. She knows to run out in her tutu and then lie down for you, so you can do your Enchantment dance.”

Oh yes, my “Enchantment dance.” Or my “Humiliation dance.” Or “Dr. Lightowler’s Revenge dance.”

Still, I am going to gird my feet for heavy bleeding and hope for the golden slippers of applause. At least Alex the Good is not here to see this.

Bob pulled up in his Bobmobile outside The Blind Pig and the Tree Sisters and the rest of the cast got out.

I walked as slowly as I could to meet my fate.

Dr. Lightowler had her party outfit on, well, her winter cloak. As I arrived, she half smiled. “Aaah, Tallulah, are you excited about your big night as Bottom? I am.”

And she swept off.

Why does she hate me?

Blaise Fox came up to me. She said, “Furry tights?”

I opened my coat. She looked me up and down.

“Splendid. Remember, you are not doing this for me, you are not doing it for the school, you are doing it for your inner comedian.”

One of the village lads passed by and looked at my legs. Then he said to me, “Bloody hell, what a state. Get the shaving cream out, love.”

I said to the Tree Sisters, “It’s all right for you. You only have your fairy dance and singing chorus work to do.”

Jo said, “Er, Tallulah, I am doing a tap dance with dustbin lids on my feet.”

I said, “You’ve all got your inner thespians to fall back on.”

And Flossie said, “Oooooh, well, you’ve got your cheeky Bottom to fall back on!”

When we went in, we had to squeeze through the bar packed with people and get changed in the ladies’ loos. (We knew it was the ladies’ because there was a photo of Mr. Barraclough in a dress on the door.)