I had a really weird horrible dream last night.

A Midwinter Tights Nightmare.

It was set in The Blind Pig.

Mr. Barraclough was Puck in an all-in-one leather jumpsuit. He had some salted peanuts in a basket and was flinging them into people’s eyes, and it made them get off with each other.

I was Bottom and I had my Dumbo head on again. I was blundering around, and then Alex came into the pub and Mr. Barraclough chucked peanuts in his eyes and he fell in love with the bloke next to him at the bar.

It was Cain.

Cain got the hump when Alex tried to kiss him and threatened Alex with a pie. They started fighting. Pies were going everywhere.

Then it all went into slow motion. Everyone was there, laughing at me.

Even Matilda was lying on her back and laughing. In a doggie way.

And the owlets were sitting on the bar, cheeping and laughing at me, their little shoulders jiggling up and down. I heard them say, “What a toooo-wit!”

Then everyone stopped laughing as Mrs. Bottomly came in with a gun.

Cain shouted, “Don’t worry, she couldn’t hit an elephant unless it had a target painted on it.”

And I looked down past my trunk and saw a target.

Painted on me.

I woke up sweating and shivering at dawn.

A Midsummer Tights Dream

AS A COUP DE grâce for my part as Bottom, Dr. Lightowler has found some furry leggings for me to wear. She said “found” them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she had “found” them and ordered them from a special magazine called How to Make Someone Look Like an Idiot.

I can’t believe I am actually going to be in The Blind Pig in front of Ted Barraclough and the rough village lads, in leggings and Mickey Mouse ears. Like a comedy owl.

But I am.

I was lying on my squirrel bed with my head under the pillows when Dobbins knocked at my door. She said, “Lullah, the boys have got something for you. They’ve knitted it themselves. Well, I helped a bit, but they held the wool.”

Oh Jezebel’s Mum, what next?

They all came in. The lunatic twins are almost entirely made out of wool now. Hats, earmuffs, scarves, booties, you name it, Dobbins has knitted it.

She is sooo excited about the show tonight.

She said, “Ooooh, Tallulah I am sooo proud of you—you gorgeous, gorgeous girl. Isn’t she gorgeous, boys, shall we hug her?”

Max and Sam came to do knee hugging. Sucking on their dodies. I notice the dodies had knitted covers. As we were in the group hug Dobbins said, “Give Lullah her pressie.”

And Sam’s mitten came up from beneath my waist. He said, a bit muffled from being buried in my knees, “It’s for ooooooo.”

And Dobbins said, “Yes, it’s for Lullah, and what is it, Max?”

Max said through his dodie, “It’s an ARSE.”

Dobbins stopped the group hug.