Monty’s costume is similar to the one he wore when we did the Mummers play, only his tights are green. He said to me, “I’ve got a little surprise in my codpiece this time that will bring the house down.”

We looked at each other.

It was so much worse than I could have imagined.

For a start, the Bottomlys were all there at the front. All chewing gum. Or maybe cow heel.

Sidone came backstage (the loos) and said, “Come on, let’s show them our bleeding feet.”

We came on as village folk at first, chopping and plucking and hey-nonny-no-ing.

Even Bob had dressed up to play the lute. I don’t know if you’ve heard heavy metal lute playing, but that’s what he was doing.

Vaisey, Flossie, and Jo were singing Village People and then Monty came on as narrator. His codpiece got a huge cheer.

He started his improvised hey-nonny-no speech about love. Prancing around with his hands on his hips, pulling scarves from his codpiece. “Gather round and listen to a tale of love. ‘Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. / And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.’ For love comes in all shapes and forms. Look at yon simple country folk.”

Ted Barraclough shouted out, “Ay up, don’t be cheeky, the Bottomlys can’t help it.”

And that set the tone really.

Lav, Dav, and Noos did their gong song, singing “I’m a fool for love.” But repeating “love” like an echo, “I’m a fool for love, love, love, love …”

I noticed that none of them had furry leggings or Mickey Mouse ears.

Jo leapt on as Puck and chucked pretend love potion in everyone’s eyes, and even the village boys got out of her way. Sidone made a grand guest appearance as Titania. I didn’t know that the Queen of Fairies would wear a Dick Whittington costume, but she did.

Sidone sidled up to Mr. Barraclough and put her hand to his face. He began to say, “Madam, I must ask you to be gentle with me. I have an incapacitating pie-eating injury …”

But she trilled with laughter and hit him with her knapsack. Then she breathed, “Aaah, such beauty I have rarely seen outside fairy land.”

All the village boys cheered.

She went on, panting at Mr. Barraclough, “You strong-thighed son of the soil.”

Mr. Barraclough said, “I do my best, love.”

All of the pub went “Oohhh.”

It seemed to be going well, with the pretend snogging and the fighting and Monty’s tambourine poetry, but then Puck chucked fairy dust in Sidone’s eyes.

It was my turn, to change from Bottom the Weaver into the Donkey-Headed Fool.

Or in my case, the Mickey Mouse–Eared Fool.

I ripped off my peasant’s smock and hat to reveal my hairy tights and Mickey Mouse ears. Everyone went mad, which was quite nice actually. Somebody yelled, “Phwoar!”

Sidone came over to me with love in her eyes. She was saying, “Ah me, ah me …” And looked me up and down. I did a bit of skipping because it was so spooky. She looked like she might eat me.