I move back to the closest locker—Eloise’s—unlock my phone, and search for her birthday in my notes.

“Who’s that?” someone says behind me, and when I turn, Mr. Collins is standing there.

“Hi, sir,” I say, swallowing the panic in my throat.

“Why are you here so late?”

“I forgot something,” I say, gesturing to the locker.

When he doesn’t move, I quickly glance at my phone, then enter the code, and feel a wave of relief when it opens.

Staring into Eloise’s locker, I say, “Well, have a good night.”

Mr. Collins tilts his head, but I push the door so he can’t see the photo of Eloise and Bernie or the textbooks for the classes I don’t take.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he says. “You could get locked in.”

“It won’t happen again,” I say.

I close the locker without taking anything and hope he doesn’t notice. But the way he looks at me, I’m not so sure.

When I get home, Dad gasps and stares at my head, and I touch my hair and say, “Sorry. I…I’m trying something new.”

I left before he was up this morning, and I guess he hasn’t watched yesterday’s highlights yet, because he walks slowly toward me and whispers, “You look just like her.”

“Is that okay? I can change it.”

Dad shakes his head but doesn’t reply, and I feel guilty for reminding him of Mom, even though her face is all over the house.

When Nan sees me, she makes a strange noise, then pulls me into a hug, and all evening, I catch both of them sneaking glances at me.

A few times, they look at each other, and something silent passes between them, and before Nan leaves, she hugs me extra tight and says, “I love you, darling. She would be so proud.”

Chapter 79

Five of us go to the hospital: me, Emily, Jennifer, Pav, and Ali.

Eloise has been going on her own, handing out tiny pieces of information as if Bernie’s incident is too precious to share. I think she resents us, because before Mayfield, it was just the two of them. And maybe it would have gone back to that if things had been different.

I flash back to the moment I saw Bernie’s body on the bed, how scared I was, how I forgot my own problems, because suddenly, they weren’t the biggest in the room.

Mayfield was supposed to change us but not like this. We were supposed to come back smiling. But when I think of it, I see the bigger picture: how everyone is cracked and only the luckiest hold themselves together.

When we arrive, the nurse shakes her head and says, “Two at a time.”

“How about three?” Emily asks.

The nurse huffs and says, “Two…at…a…time.”