I burst through the surface, sending water everywhere in a powerful cascade. I’m sitting upright in the dark, coughing the water out of my lungs. Trembling violently with the shock and cold, I haul myself over the rim of my bathtub. The momentum of my own weight does most of the work. Shuddering in my soaking wet nightgown and the pool of water that has flooded the bathroom floor, I let out racking sobs of panic as I try to remember how I got here. My washroom, my bathtub. I remember none of it. It’s okay. I drag myself across the tiny floor to the wall to turn on the light. The light will make everything better.

Everything — my nightgown, the water left in the tub and all over the floor — is red.

I want to go home.

PART III

fourteen

LIONS AND UNICORNS

知らぬが仏

Ignorance is bliss

Miso udon noodle soup with shiitake mushrooms

Gomae (Japanese sesame spinach salad)

Ginger Miso Soba Noodle Bowls with Wakame

“Geez. I hope I can make all of these things. This one looks good … hmm, this one looks hard …”

I’m scrolling through Pinterest, lying on the floor, fully dressed for work, when my iPhone starts to buzz in my hands and play gentle, soothing koto music. The alarm title “time to move!” pops up on the screen. I sigh and somehow manage to roll over onto my side, then push myself up. It’s time to bundle into my big white puffy winter coat and leave my empty-ish apartment. Ever since my family left, Zozo’s apartment has never felt so devoid of life. They left with most of my clothes and knick-knacks, so I don’t have to worry too much about shipping six and a half years of stuff back to Canada. And after two weeks of being crammed in here, cooking, shouting, laughing, and fighting, I feel even more relaxed and ready to go back to work. No chance of falling down the rabbit hole of stress these next few months, that’s for sure.

The light dusting of snow on the ground means the possibility of ice, but I’m so used to walking from my family’s visit that I don’t mind crunching my way to work this Tuesday morning. Once again, I don’t see my temple friend today, which makes me a little sad. I haven’t seen him since I got sick. I only have eleven more chances to see him. After this, I have eleven more Tuesdays, and then I’m home. Unless I find somewhere to travel after my contract is up. Three more months of cold morning snow on palm trees. Three more months of “Mite, kowai” as I walk around town or go to work. Three more months of work, period. Things have been so busy at Zozo that I actually look forward to being out of a job for a while.