When I got back to the flat, I scrambled back up the flimsy ladder and covered the skylight with newspaper. I stuck sheets raggedly across, attaching them to the frame with reams of sticking tape.

I slithered back down and grabbed my ‘to-do’ list, pinned to the fridge door, and wrote down ‘buy a new blind’. I drew across all the bolts, double-checked the window fixings, several times, and vigorously set about scrubbing the sweat from my body in a boiling hot shower.

All the violent emotions of the rape had reasserted claim over my fragile psyche and anger seethed through my pores. I lathered soap all over my limbs, scoured the skin with a nailbrush until the surface shone and the pain was unbearable. Thick froth globules collected in the shower tray, threatening my balance with their slippery sheen.

My body was rigid with a fury which I’d bottled up for so long. It had lain smothered by my blameless guilt. Now it felt as if crocodile jaws had snapped shut and trapped the anger inside. I had no idea how to let it out. It was one thing to imagine one’s assailant’s life carrying on, unaffected by their evil, but to see it with my own eyes had floored me.

Oliver had two children. No doubt there was a doting wife at home, a steady job and smugly earned peace of mind. It was the latter that I coveted most as this would never be mine.

There must be a way to get revenge, to settle old scores. I needed closure and as the hot water scalded my body, I knew I had to find a way.

41

Arthur

I enjoyed our first date. Patience, perseverance and not a small amount of guile helped me set up the rendezvous without the uncertainty or indignity of a straightforward request. I wasn’t going to brook hesitation or outright rejection. That wasn’t the game plan.

I had become adept at trailing some fifty paces behind her, nonchalantly stopping every so often to browse in shop windows. One time I had to hop into a late-night corner shop and buy some chewing gum when she paused to answer her phone. My confidence grew by the day and I enjoyed the subterfuge. It added spice to our relationship.

It was a dull damp evening and Rebecca had stopped outside a small pub not far from her flat. I knew the place as I’d been there a couple of times before. She hesitated and then went through the main entrance. I remembered there was separate access through a back door next to the toilets so I waited a couple of minutes, circuited the pub and made my way to the gents.