It was sometime in the late afternoon that I felt heat rise in my neck and sweat gather on my hairline. I excused myself from the dwindling party and headed for the bathroom. The panic attacks still came when least expected. The claustrophobia, grief and emotion had set my heart racing and stifled my breathing.

‘Here, deep breaths and try to stay calm. It’ll pass.’ Jodi had appeared and was stroking my hair, tucking stray strands behind my ears. It took me back to that fateful night.

‘I think it’s time you grew your hair again,’ she said as she turned off the torrent of cold water.

I looked at the stranger in the mirror, at the sun-tanned face, smooth except for the faintest creases around the eyes. The spiked hairstyle which had characterised my inner turmoil for the past few years was giving way to a softer image. But the turmoil persisted.

I hugged my friend and said, ‘Yes, I think I will, and I’ll take the flat if the offer still stands. I think I’ve been away long enough.’

‘Brilliant. The flat’s yours.’

Taylor crept up behind and encircled us in her grasp. Her toned arms pulled us together in a bond of female strength. Their friendship might get me through. After ten long years, I let myself be held and the tears flowed. It was time to re-enter the real world.

36

Rebecca

The first thing I did when I moved into my new flat in Muswell Hill was secure it against the outside world.

The flat, located on the first floor of the building, was split level and a stairwell led directly from the tiny hall up to the living area. The bareness of the white walls and faux wooden flooring offered up a blank canvas. It was a chance to put my stamp on new beginnings. A small skylight over the top of the staircase reminded me of my old flat. A faded green blind was stubbornly stuck across the opening but I wasn’t yet prepared to unlock the view.

Through the window I saw a small white van park up outside. I gripped the balustrade and braced myself for letting a stranger into the flat. There was no other way.

‘Hi. Thanks for coming so quickly. Here, I’ve written down a very specific list of things I need.’

Mr Harper from the security firm took the list and read it out loud.

‘Front door bolted, top and bottom. Double mortise lock, Yale lock, safety chain. All windows to be alarmed, including the skylight, and all secured with safety catches. Do you really want two alarm keypads? It’s only a small area, love.’

The windows were wide open and cold air tunnelled through the rooms. I’d opened them in advance, in case no one inside heard my screams; someone outside might. The buzz of traffic and beep of horns provided a companionable cacophony of sound.