I did this until I threw up again, and then again. I hated every second of it, but I hated every second of looking at myself in the mirror, too. I hated every second of being made fun of at school. I hated every second of Lewis calling me a fatass. I hated every second of not being able to fit in the same-sized clothes as Donny wore. I remember when I was young, my mom had bought me all these back-to-school clothes. I was only about ten, but I tried them on, and none of them fit. I was too fat, and my mom hadn’t gotten the receipts for the clothes to take them back, so she sat just there, crying. I could feel every tear coming out of her eyes. That was when I began hating myself. I was causing pain to other people. I hated myself to the point of not being able to stop eating. I would come home every day after school and binge eat everything in the kitchen because of others bullying me at school. It was an endless cycle, and food always won. I ate, and I ate, and I ate, and I couldn’t stop. But right then, I vomited, and I vomited, and I vomited, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop until I heard the creaking of the bathroom door.

I’d forgotten to lock it, and that’s when I saw her. Mel was looking at me while I had two fingers in my mouth. Her eyes were as wide as I had ever seen them. She had a look of shock as I stared up with vomit on my chin.

“Mel. Hi,” I said, trying to stand up.

“Adrian, what the fuck.”

“Mel, wait. I . . . my stomach.”

“Why were your fingers in your mouth!?” she yelled. “Were you purging?”

“No. I wasn’t,” I lied.

“You were. You were!” She backed away.

“Okay,” I said. I was caught red-handed, and if I lied again right then, it would be even worse. “Yeah. I was purging.”

“Dude.” Mel put her hands on her head. “That’s so dangerous.”

I stood up and grabbed a towel to wipe off my face. My stomach hurt so bad. “I’m sorry. I freaked out after we ate all of that food.”

“Adrian. Come back to bed. Right now, you need to lie down. We’ll talk about this in the morning.” I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

It was the first time I had seen Mel cry. Something hurt inside me when I saw it. The worst part was that I knew it was because of me. I’d let her down, and I could feel that weight rest itself on my shoulders.

I followed Mel back to the bed, and she slept on the side closest to the wall. I tried to put my arm around her, but she pushed it away. “No,” she said, then turned her back to me. I think after a while she fell asleep. I turned my back to her, too, and I wanted to weep. But I didn’t want her to hear me, so it took a lot to keep it bottled in. I was a mess, and it was beginning to show. After a while of fighting myself, my eyes shut for the night, and I went to sleep, too.