‘I should have checked about his meds,’ she sobbed. ‘I didn’t give a fuck about him. I screwed up. And now my little boy’s getting brainwashed.’

‘Shhh, honey. If anything, it’s my fault he didn’t have his meds,’ K said. ‘We let him out without, what with all that rigmarole around his book.’

‘Shoulda blah, blah,’ Lil said. ‘Typical female response. The man made his own decision, and we didn’t even know him. Lift your glasses and repeat after me: “It’s not my fault.”’

If Mary had to choose between the girls and Roddie, she’d buy Roddie some really nice luggage. He always loved travelling. Apart from anything, she’d have two friends not one, and two is better when your life’s being shot at, poom, poom, poom, and at 10.08 p.m. via email: POOM:

Dear Mary,

I have rewritten the first line of this email many times. Dear Mary sounds idiotic when it’s me, Roddie, writing to you, and just Mary comes over angry, which I am, but I don’t want to scare you.

I’m at Jack’s. I’m reading on Twitter that you slept with Macdowall. I’m looking at a screenshot of you chatting on FaceTime to him. You’re wearing my Add It Up t-shirt and your vibrator is on the bed.

I know we need to talk, but I’m not ready. Neither is Jack. He’s fine. Holly’s very upset, obviously, and helping her is helping him, I think. Anti-feminist girl, feminist boy – might work. Maybe they’ll listen to each other.

Looks like the body’s being released on Monday. Nothing suspicious, so you’re in the clear. Holly wants him cremated that same afternoon – think she’s organised it already. I suggest you steer clear of her for now, but my guess is she’s going to be around a while.

Roddie

PS: If you Google Cuck now, guess whose big, smiley face comes up?

Great friends aren’t the ones who are there for you when you’ve done something impressive – although Mary had never done anything impressive – they’re the ones who are there for you when you’ve done something crap. Lil and K hugged one side of her each and took turns to read the email out loud again, and again – because that’s what she needed – analysing punctuation, tone and intent, and deciding on a plan of action, which involved refraining from leaving him further messages and feeling much better after a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow she’d find Roddie and Jack, and explain the truths, of which there were many, sadly, as well as the one very effective lie: a quote from Holly Macdowall on the trending The Lion’s Roar blog:

‘“She seduced Dad on Tuesday night,” says orphan Holly. “I visited the next morning and he told me they slept together. He was upset, he seemed scared.”’