When it’s played for money, it’s a job. When it’s played for itself, it’s magic. And I guess that sums up why I’ll always be living hand-to-mouth instead of making the decent living everybody thinks I should be making with it, because if a gig doesn’t seem honest to me, I’ll turn it down.

I’ve done the other kind. I’ve written for soundtracks. I’ve been a session musician on more recordings than I can count. I’ve played concerts. But I’m happiest sitting in a corner of the pub, playing tunes with a couple of friends, nothing planned, just seeing what happens as one tune reminds us of the next and then leads us into another.

I don’t think that’ll ever change. I wouldn’t want it to. But I sure wish I could figure out a way to stop putting women on a pedestal—or rather, stop obsessing about the unattainable women that I’ve put on a pedestal. I know it cuts me off from meaningful relationships I could have, and even if I do get into a relationship with one of these pedestal women, it never works out. Partly because no one can match up to an ideal anyway, and partly because what I’m bringing to the relationship is an unhealthy devotion. I get way more concerned about everything to do with them, which makes my own life just an echo of living instead of the real thing.

But knowing all of this doesn’t make me stop.

That said, Galfreya was a perfect candidate of someone for me to obsess over, but there were things about her that I just couldn’t get around. For one thing, being a fairy made her somewhat promiscuous—at least by human standards. I’m old-fashioned and expect a monogamous relationship. For another, she looks like she’s in her twenties, half my age, which feels strange enough. What feels stranger is knowing she’s . . . well, I don’t know exactly. Fairy-kind are basically immortal. For all I know, she could have been around since the beginning, when Raven first made the world. So it’s weird that it looks like I’m robbing the cradle, going out with someone who could be my own daughter, but she’s actually old enough to be some distant ancestor.