On a shaky breath, I say, “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“But you did.”

I sniff and wipe a hand across the back of my nose.

Several minutes pass before he finally asks me point-blank, “Were you tryin’ to kill yourself? Is that what you’ve been trying to do?”

I suck in my cheek and shrug. I want to say no, but the truth is...

I don’t know.

All I do know is I’m tired. I’ve been tired for a long-ass time.

“I don’t want to die,” I tell him eventually, and the truth of those words settles something inside me. That deep, hidden part of me that always wondered. “It’s not like that.” Not really.

“Well, that’s a good start.”

I roll my eyes. Just then, a scurry of movement to my left has me perking up. A black ball of fur lands on my lap and I find myself smiling as a prickly tongue lashes against my hand.

Reggie chuckles as the cat rubs its face over my neck before curling into a ball on my lap. A deep purr rumbles from its chest.

“She missed you.”

I fork my fingers through the thick coat of fur, biting down on the emotion welling in my eyes. “Hey, Sass. Long time, no see.”

“Remember when we found her? You were, what, ten? Eleven?”

“Eleven,” I whisper. It was about six months after Will moved away.

He sighs wistfully. “She sure was a scrappy little thing back then. I tried so hard to get you to walk away, but you were determined to take her home with us. She nearly shredded your arm apart when you grabbed her,” he says, shaking his head fondly.

I remember that day vividly. Reggie was in town for the first time in months, and I was staying with him for a few days. I was a lot less bitter toward him at that point. And after a summer spent cooped up in this house, living through my dad’s DIY, trailer park version of conversion therapy, I was left feeling more broken and alone than I ever felt before.

“She was scared.”

A beat. “I know.”

I lift my head, and his eyes say everything he can’t.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

I turn away. “Stop.”

“No. I should’ve—”

“But you didn’t,” I say, not unkindly. “You didn’t know, and I know you didn’t know. You would have done something if you had; I know that now.”

He looks down, a frown pulling at his forehead.

“I knew it then,” I admit. Swallowing, I take comfort stroking Sassy’s soft coat. “It was just...”

“Easier to hate me, I know. I get it.”

Mouth dry, I nod.

“Tell me about the gun. And the bridge.”

So I do.